Oh wait, there was that yogurt just now.
That best portion of a good man’s life;
His little, nameless, unremembered acts
Of kindness and of love. -Wordsworth
Labels: Staff of Life Gone Wrong
"It turns out I am a homosexual, Daniella," Tim said, and thoughtfully chewed his shirtsleeve for a moment. Daniella scowled at him. Then he started. "Now, Dear, don't open the box! You mustn't get cross! NO!" He stumbled back and crushed a lampshade against the mantel. Too late! The box was open! Choking stink cloud, everywhere! "Barffellklsfj!!" He barf-bellowed into his chewed shirtsleeve as he staggered to the door. As usual, Miss Peabo-Bryson remained unperturbed by the noxious cloud.In addition, the book will feature fantastic illustrations drawn with mechanical pencil.
Why do all my black garments fade to different shades of black? My black trousers faded blue-black, my black turtleneck is violet-black, and my black hoodie is green-black with black-black trim. Dorcus claims that no one will notice these shade irregularities, but she's the one who pointed them out to me in the first place. What, so I should never wash my black clothes? This sort of thing really gets on my tits. (Judas 3:1-4)
Dorcas thinks she's a good lyre player, but she's not. She knows, like, two chords, and they're both wrong. Somebody save me. I think I'm going to have another piece of carrot cake before it dries out. (Judas 4:2-3, 5)
Just got home from running errands. Traffic was horrible. Saw Jesus at Crate and Barrel. He did that thing where he pretends to not see me, but I KNOW he saw me. How could you not notice me? I'm the only man in town with natural strawberry-blonde hair. (Judas 23:1-3)
I can't find my tiki-style sake cup set. Dorcus insists that she didn't throw it out with the nasty old Tupperware last week. Please. I wasn't born yesterday. She's wanted me to get rid of that set ever since we got married. Didn't throw it out, my ass. (Judas 16)
Dorcus's sisters are over, ostensibly to discuss the kitchen remodel, but all I'm hearing is "wah wah, gaining weight, wah wah daughter smokes marajuana, wah wah wah that's not what I heard..." Kill me now. (Judas 19:8)
I was tidying my scrolls just now when I had a great idea: why not surprise Dorcus with a new scroll? She's already read all these ones, and I know she'd like something to peruse while Matthias is at his karate lesson. (Judas 20:4-6)