The Coast Guard Appreciates My Sea Reports

Every once and a while, I look at my stats and I notice that NOBODY is reading my blog at that moment, not even the Coast Guard. Typically, the Coast Guard guys spend their days scanning Topic Drift feverishly, like jittery investors scanning a stock ticker in 1929. They’ve grown to appreciate my daily sea reports. “Today, as far as I can tell, the sea is calm,” I might post; then the Coast Guard relaxes with an old Newsweek and a hot cocoa. Another day, I might post, “Lost at sea: one child, wearing a gray woolen union suit.” The Coast Guard then springs into action and saves the idiot child.