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Wednesday, November 23, 2005

I've Been Interviewed By the Jones Jones Jones-Chronicle

I haven't blogged for a while because I've been busy answering the emails I received after being interviewed by The Jones Jones Jones-Chronicle, a newspaper that, according to the Newspaper Association of America, "does not exist" and has a circulation of "no circulation." I'd link to the article but it doesn't seem to be online yet. During the interview I spoke mainly of cat diseases and peculiar diets. Most of the emails regarding the interview were angry, though some were boring as well. Here are some of my favorites:

Dear Esther,
I remember you from high school. You were the one with all that hilarious acne! Ha ha! It still cracks me up.
Call me.
Bill Blackwell

Dear Esther,
Where do you buy pants? I can't find pants that fit. Do you pray? You better start praying, because as soon as I find a decent pair of pants, I'm going to put them on and come over and steal your mailbox. Let's see you accept home delivery of the New York Times then! Specifically, I'm looking for navy corduroys in size 18.
Jackie

Dear EWP,
I loved reading your interview. I think you are stupid. The Raw Food diet is the most excellent diet on planet earth and every other planet as well as us. Are you delusional? I bet you are judging by the way you talk in interviews. You don't need to cook food, what does fire add to carrots? Jack shit that's what!
Ron

Esther,
I read your interview. Never before have I wasted five minutes on such fluff. Please refrain from telling us how to behave. I have had ear mites (contracted from my cat) since the age of 39. I am 41 now and I have never felt better in my life. I am at the age where my priorities are set in stone: I sleep 8 hours every night, I phone mother every other day, and I've stopped worrying about what may or may not be living in my ears.
Will Jacobsen

Friend,
Are you in the market for a humidor? If so, check out the humidors I make from real tree wood. I will mail you information about this exciting product if you will send me your address. All humidors guaranteed to exist from actual tree wood, none of that fake wood from factories in other countries such as Canada or Holland. The best part about my homemade humidors is that they come with a guarantee.
Denny

2 Comments:

Blogger Shane said...

Play match-maker - Bill and Jackie could heal one another's wounds. 'Will and Ron' would surely become a hit fringe alternative to Will and Grace. And as for Denny, well, he has humidors, he'll be ok.

9:04 AM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Dear Abby: It is a pity you didn't live long enough to see how a good column is done. (Although I understand you did know Jack shit because you once saw him do it.)

9:53 AM  

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