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Tuesday, March 08, 2005

My All-Time Favorite Pets Named Deborah, Part 1

The Stoat Deborah
The Stoat Deborah was my favorite stoat ever. She would not keep to her cage, and she was too fast for the muskrats. Normally, I would never administer alcohol to my pets - but The Stoat Deborah could really hold her drink, so I poured her a cold one whenever she showed up at the fridge. When she was drunk, she ran in circles and became verbally abusive with my feet. I stepped on her once, but she sprang back to life within minutes. The Stoat Deborah died in 1999 of the Spanish influenza.

Deborah Weasel
Deborah Weasel was my favorite weasel ever. She lived in the basement in a broken kayak. One day, I took the kayak to the lake to see it if would float, but it sank; as it sank, Deborah Weasel swam out and bit my shin. I developed rabies and I almost died. After my long recovery, Deborah Weasel emerged from the kayak to bite me again. I developed rabies again and I nearly died. Shocking behavior on the part of Deborah Weasel, I thought. Since then, she's bitten me thrice, and thrice I've contracted rabies. Deborah Weasel is still alive and living in my kayak.

Deborah Marie Newt
Deborah Marie Newt was my favorite newt, but she was already dead when I brought her home. I dried her out and kept her in the garage until the garage was repossessed by the IRS. The IRS sold Dry Deborah Marie Newt at auction for $25. A steal, I do think.

Ominous Deborah Muskrat
Ominous Deborah Muskrat was my favorite muskrat ever - until she attacked my au pair, Nan Petra Francesca. It was a vicious lakeside attack and I haven't been comfortable around Ominous Deborah Muskrat since. Nan Petra Francesca died during the attack and Ominous Deborah Muskrat bullied me into weighing down Nan Petra's body and hurling her into the lake. Ominous Deborah Muskrat said that if I did not help her get rid of Nan Petra's body, she'd tell Father that I killed my au pair with my new comb. I believed her, of course; it was a very sharp comb, and Father was so very stupid.

6 Comments:

Blogger gatsby said...

i don't really have time to talk.
this is purely a professional stop.
i'm here to drop my new blogdress on you.
i don't have time to talk about these weasels and marmasets.
i don't have time even to spellcheck marmaset.
is that right?
i don't care if it is.
i simply do not have the time.
like santa, i've many trips to make this evening, and my reindeer have things to do. they have places to be; reindeer are actually the most popular of the deer species. you may not have known that. i only found out yesterday when we all walked into bellanotte and all the ladies left their basketballers to kiss reindeer ass.
very very popular.
and they will not sign autographs or pose for photos.
popular and really quite stuck-up.
of course they were all jocks in high school, and they all claimed to have slept with mrs. cavendish, our sophomore english teacher; i wouldn't doubt it either. she insisted on reading madame bovary outloud to the class while wearing only a skimpy negli... hmmm, negli... some lingerie.
anyway you're going to have to break out the white out on that blogroll of yours.
buckman is in the ground.
yes packard, that stupid buckman fiasco has finally been abandoned.
i've moved into a single bedroom blog and i'd like you to stop in with a blogwarming gift. nothing extravagant, perhaps something the reindeer would like... new matchbox cars perhaps... or old ones that were new to us you see.
gold matchbox cars made out of platinum.
fantastic, i will set them by my gigantic microwave.
in fact i will set them in my gigantic microwave and set it for thirty seconds, just to get them toasty before i slip them into my bed lining.
so i'm at
www.gss.typepad.com
please ring the doorbell with a long stick so i can see you from the window.
lovely.

next time i shall comment on this weasel thing.

1:18 AM  
Blogger noisy ghost said...

I can't wait til part 2 when you get to Deborah the banana spider.

8:07 PM  
Blogger noisy ghost said...

I can't wait til part 2 when you get to Deborah the banana spider.

8:08 PM  
Blogger neonangel said...

ROFL! I simply love your writing style. I look forward to reading more. =)

11:39 PM  
Blogger David said...

Aweful (Meaning: I am full of awe).

What can I say? Riehl World View had you listed in his blogroll; I came, I read, I was stunned.

Seriously, don't tell my wife, but I may have to fight fantasies of meeting Esther Wilberforce-Packard face-to-face...

Stunning.

Back to your blog to stoke the fires of fantasy some more...

10:29 AM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

When Andy Rooney retires, go get his job. The nation has never seen anything like you. (But I am disappointed you didn't report on Deborah the Nematode.)

6:26 PM  

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