I'm Nice to Everybody

Some people use the word “moonbat,” but I never do. I think it’s a hurtful word, and I make a point of never hurting anyone’s feelings. Sometimes I call Jim a “blubbery illiterate ogre, the ugliest man I’ve ever seen,” but he has thick skin, so that doesn’t count. I always tell Maureen that she’s “probably the worst mother in the tri-state area, if not the country,” but I’m careful to tell her this in front of her children, so really, it’s all for the best. I usually call Doreen a “wheezing pig,” but she does have asthma, and everyone knows it. Alicia has a bit of a beard, and I like to point that out when we’re approached by men at the bar. It keeps unsuitable fellows away from her, and she seems to appreciate my efforts on her behalf. Don has overwhelming BO due to his heart medication, and I like to roll my eyes and wave my hand in front of my nose when he walks by. That always cracks everyone up, and it makes me feel good to know that I’ve brought a modicum of joy into the lives of my acquaintances. But I’ll never use the word “moonbat.” It’s just too mean. Everyone knows that bats are incontinent and the moon has acne scars. What if I called some guy a moonbat and it turned out that he wets his pants regularly, or has uneven skin? I shudder at the thought! I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings!