The Wall Street Journal Says

The Wall Street Journal says that gold futures are closing in on $500 an ounce. I have twelve gold futures and they aren’t labeled. They are the 5” x 12” lavender and ylang-ylang aromatherapy gold futures. I bought them at Pier 1. Should I sell them? I can’t return them to Pier 1 because I threw out the receipt, and I don’t want store credit because Pier 1 doesn’t offer the sort of merchandise I want. I want a stethoscope so I can listen through walls.

The Wall Street Journal says that Deere says its fourth-quarter earnings dropped 35%, as revenue edged lower and production cutbacks weighed on results. But Darcy says that Heather has a staph infection and won’t be at the party. But you know who WILL be at the party? Heather’s boyfriend! We’ll see who has the last laugh, bitch!


UPDATE: The Wall Street Journal says that internet firms including AOL and IAC/InterActiveCorp are helping to fund Brightcove, a start-up developing Internet-TV technology. But that’s not why I stopped eating ramen soup. I stopped eating ramen because I noticed a gradual though marked deterioration of noodle quality.