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Thursday, November 03, 2005

There's Something Wrong With Places

There's Something Wrong With South America

There's something wrong with South America. When people crash into South American mountains, they get eaten by other people on the plane. South Americans are burning down their jungles, too. What a bad idea! Stop burning things, you dummies. Open up some banks and some Wendy's franchises and you'll be surprised how nice your life can be. Goodbye, guerrillas! Goodbye, poverty! Hello, The Gap! Hello, PetSmart! Goodbye, chewing coca leaves! Hello, Fresca in 2 new flavors! Stupid South America, give it up! Just stop being so boring. All your seasons are backward, too.

There's Something Wrong With Canada

There's something wrong with Canada. I can't remember what it is, but I hate it. Canada never says anything. They just sit up there, drinking Labatts and playing Uno. Canada should rip it up. Canada needs to learn how to party. Here's how: buy those pointy hats with elastic chin bands. Get a cake that says, "Happy Birthday, Jim," or whatever. Then light all the candles and have cake and ice cream on paper plates with plastic forks. WAIT, NO! The ice cream juice is getting on the cake! NO NO NO! Get a separate paper plate for the ice cream!! I hate when the ice cream touches the cake! Now my cake is soggy! I can't eat ice cream with a fork! Fucking hell, all I wanted to do was teach Canada how to party.

There's Something Wrong With Washington State

There's something wrong with Washington state: Seattle. When I get my army, I will not attack Seattle, because my army will be nice. But if my army ever snaps and suddenly starts shooting, I will sort of aim them at Seattle. I like coffee just as much as the next guy, but there is no excuse for Seattle. I've never been to Seattle.

There is Something Wrong With Mexico

There's something wrong with Mexico. When I was little, my third favorite Loony Toons character was Slowpoke Rodriguez. It turns out that you're not supposed to like Slowpoke Rodriguez because he portrays a negative stereotype. But I didn't like him because of his negative stereotype! I liked him because he was awesome! My first and second favorites were the Extremely Polite Gophers, but I'm not sure they were Mexican. They were all, "After YOU," "No no no, after YOU!" "Oh, I insist, after YOU!" "Oh dear me, YOU! After YOU!" Christ, can you get enough of that stuff? No, you cannot.


Blogger Shane said...

That's foreign policy almost sorted. Next for the manifesto is...

4:20 PM  
Anonymous Cadbury said...

I agree with everything except the slowpoke rodriguez part. Slowpoke Rodriguez wasn't just awesome. Slowpoke Rodriguez was fuckin' awesome.

9:46 PM  
Anonymous Cadbury said...

Why did I use the past tense? Slowpoke Rodriguez IS fuckin' awesome. IS.

9:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Extremely Polite Gophers are not from Mexico because they do not portray a negative sterotype. They are from Washington.

I have it from a good source that they are precisely what is wrong with Seattle.

10:43 PM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

That's crazy talk and you know it. The gophers are not from Washington. They live in the forest. "The forest is over," said Whitney Houston, and she was correct. The forest is over. Stupid Seattle.

12:01 AM  
Blogger Adolfo Velasquez said...

Slowpoke Rodriguez certainly was a negative stereotype. Very sad.

Famous political cartoonist, Eduardo del Río, once talked of creating a new series of "pro-Mexican", positive cartoon characters, but he never followed through.

You know how lazy those damn Mexicans are.

10:05 AM  
Anonymous Igmar Fillipé said...

Slowpoke Rodriguez was not lazy, he was slow. He was the Yin to Speedy Gonzales’s Yang. What's more, he made up for his disability by using ingenuity to defend himself in other ways... namely by carrying a gun. Therefore, it could be argued that Slowpoke Rodriguez is a positive role model for the speedily challenged.

This comment was sponsored by Slowpoke Rodriguez for Congress.

2:46 PM  
Anonymous Phillip, Esther's Beverages Analyst said...

Everyone keeps on about this Slowpoke character when what they should be on about is teaching Canada to party properly. Labatts is Budweiser mispelled. Canadians should drink milk. I hear it's good for the bones.

3:22 PM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

Slowpoke Rodriguez was a god, damn it. If I could be reincarnated as any WB cartoon character, it would be Slowpoke Rodriguez.

I also have never been to Seattle but I hate it. I used to hate Southern California before going there, then I lived there for several years and I actually hate it more. I have no doubt Seattle would produce a similar hatred.

5:09 PM  
Blogger Astrid said...

Pooh, I am glad Holland is not being scolded by you!

And I truly must say I LOVE your quote of "Everything here is true. Some things are truer than others. Some things should be true but are not. All things are based on truth. How truthful I am! O, Truth!, et cetera" Very well made up and tt made me smile from nose to ear!

10:34 AM  
Anonymous Mark said...

I love Seattle and I love Canada I just don't like the rest of you.

6:39 PM  
Anonymous Ted said...

I love Seattle and I love Canada... together they are better than the rest of the USA

6:42 PM  

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