No Beard, No Problem. Beard? Now That's a Problem.

Beards are a shady area. When a man has a difficult time growing a consistent beard, the man should throw all effort to the wind and purchase a molded brown plastic sheath that fits around the ears and comes with removable and interchangeable plastic mustaches that hook into the nostrils. Why? One, the molded plastic sheath beard is overtly false, and as such, will not offend the suspicious and cruel people (I count myself among them) who questioned your weird, real beard and beard-related motives. Two, upon switching to False Beard, you will be known as a man with a fine and bold sense of humor. This sense of humor is unlikely to appeal to others, but they will recognize its existence, the way one recognizes the presence of Greenpeace canvassers without wishing to speak to them. Thirdly, while your weird patchy beard gained you credibility at such venues as the Renaissance Festival and the Metro Transit Station, your new False Beard will elicit a “distancing” reaction in the people who inhabit these magical worlds. Alternatively, it will elicit such awe in them that you will be as a god unto them, and as their god, you can order them to disband and disperse. Finally, in the off-season, your False Beard can be stored under the covers of the guest bed, thereby assuring a hilarious encounter with the in-laws, who should be staying at a hotel anyway. Done, and done.