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Thursday, September 23, 2004

Seeking Enthusiastic Diggers With a Cosmotarian Bent

As you might have guessed, we at Topic Drift espouse few ideals. Ideals? Bah! Not necessary! Scarcely appropriate! Boo, and all that! But one ideal that we hold close to our shrunken hearts is that of finding buried treasure and using it to garner political and ideological clout. We feel the need for clout - a lot of it. We feel the need for buried treasure - as much of it as we can pull out of your property while you are vacationing in Vermont. I am getting off track here, so I will begin another paragraph.

Specifically, we want Bernarr Macfadden's treasure. We wouldn't mind Oak Island, but we are realistic. Underground rivers have long since washed the Oak Island rubies to the Canaries. Stupid pirates.

We don't want to dig this treasure ourselves. Forget your Vermont vacation: we want YOU to dig the Macfadden treasure for us, and deliver it to our stoop. We will cut you a check - enough to cover your expenses, plus a little for your trouble. If we like the cut of your jib, we may invite you out back for bit of BBQ, weather permitting.

You may need some inspiration for your dig, so I will now transcribe for you the scribbles from inside the front cover of my copy of Bernarr Macfadden's "Keeping Fit: Health: How Lost ~ How Regained." (1923) The inscription is in soft pencil and is, regrettably, unsigned:

"flating is soft soap.
and soft soap is 90 per cent lye

a up right person.
can never be. a
down right failure.

when causing trouble for
others, You are makeing
some for yourself

our owne faults look as big
to others
as others faults look to us"

Inside back cover:

"Polident for false teeth
cleans Purifies

call Dr. Nelson
first week in Feb

Nurse
Aunt
Uncle"

I believe the treasure is hidden in steel cartridge boxes. It could be anywhere. Keep in mind that digging is good exercise, good exercise leads to good health, and that good health will get you into heaven.

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