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Sunday, October 10, 2004

My Weekend Starts Wednesday

I’m going to build a car. I hope it works out. First, I have to buy an apron. I’ll probably put the apron on in the store and just wear it home. I’ll assemble some car parts and start pressing them together. Then I’m going to weld some pieces, gas it up, slap on some tires and hang my high school graduation tassel from the rearview mirror. Then I’m driving to Fuddruckers.

After I eat a gigantic flavorless burger, I will probably tear up your lawn with my new car. But what if I don’t paste the tires on properly? What if a tire flies off while I tear your Kentucky bluegrass to high holy shit? I will have to stop the car, pick up my tire, yell at your wife, who will then go fetch you, who will try to fight me. Calm down. I happen to have this all planned out so you can’t win. I will have a Virgin Mary concrete lawn ornament waiting in my backseat. I will quickly hoist her up and heave her at you. While you try to catch the Virgin Mary, I’ll get in my car and drive off on three wheels. Caution: do not throw the Virgin Mary at my car! If you do, Jesus will rain brimstone on your house. You will probably also get a poltergeist. I have heavenly authorization to drive on lawns. That’s why I’m building the car.

P.S. The “you” in this scenario is not you, the reader. It is Dr. Phil.

2 Comments:

Blogger Chris Cope said...

You don't fool me, that whole scenario is a Johnny Cash song.

1:37 PM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

Come on now! Johnny Cash sang about a lot of things, but he certainly never sang anything about building a car. Good one! Building a car. I think I would have heard that one!

10:10 PM  

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