That's Why

People demand more of me than they do of others, probably because I move about with a stealth and grace that confounds the laws of man and science. For example, sometimes people ask me why they didn’t receive a Christmas card from me. I have a number of responses ready for this question, ranging from “I work like billy-o all day long and I have to come home to burnt pork chops? I don’t eat pork!” to “Not only did I not send you a card, I’ve been stealing the newspaper from your porch for years.”