I Am Smarter than Droppings and Darts

I would like to go somewhere and spend some money, but I hesitate to leave the house. A gang of pigeons is pooping relentlessly over my front door, and my neighbor always watches for an opportunity to shoot me with poison blow darts. I haven't anywhere to go to anyway, I suppose. I could buy an enormous coffee somewhere, but that much liquid might thin my blood, causing me to bleed more after I pass through the inevitable return hail of bird droppings and poison darts.