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Tuesday, October 12, 2004

The "Fae Wellington's The Man Inside the Man" Plan

Are you looking for ways to improve your vigor without resorting to those newfangled and foul-tasting Canadian pharmaceuticals? If so, why not try my plan? You will need to assemble the following:

1. Royal Crown Cola, for your weak blood
2. Kirk's Castile Soap, to fight that sterile stench
3. Gleem brand toothpaste, for a smile that will chew itself young
4. Cap and nightshirt, for running amok after dark
5. Antique flintlock musket (must be in working order)
6. A chinless auntie (not your own)

Instructions: Take liberal doses of RC Cola thrice daily, at least a tumblerful at each take. Brush your teeth with Gleem after every dose of RC. Do not brush your tongue, for that is revolting. Fire your musket for at least one hour after each vigorous toothbrushing. Aim away from houses, and take care to clean and maintain your firearm properly; it is no spring chicken, and is thus an apt (if unnecessary) metaphor for your own wicked self. Shower with Kirk's every morning at 6:00 and every evening at 8:00. After 9:00, slip into your cap and nightshirt and try to get some shut-eye. Every time you wake in the night, you must take to the streets on foot. You must run like lightning, brother! After racing a block or so, hit the sack again.

Follow my plan for a week and your waning vitality will wax to pagan proportions! Regain your vim and please that chinless auntie! All actions, appropriate and/or regrettable, will simply fall into place! Try the "Fae Wellington's The Man Inside the Man" Plan today!

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