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Thursday, October 28, 2004

My Whoresun Buggy Days Speech

This afternoon I delivered a small speech to the Ladies Town and Country Society Aid Distribution Network For a Better Looking America at the civic center downtown. My speech was so well-received that I am printing it here. Wild applause, standing ovation! After my words, we spilled into the streets, uprooted trees, swung from lamps, crushed cars, smashed windows and received our rubber bullets with eyes wide shut. If you would like me, Esther Wilberforce-Packard, to speak to your organization, please remember that you must book me far in advance. I think you'll find my fees quite reasonable. Now, my speech:

Ladies of LTCSADNFABLA, thank you for inviting me here to speak to you today.

Ladies, let's go back for a moment. Things smelled different in the 70s. I remember. The 80s just smelled like a clean breeze. The 90s smelled bad and sweet, though not bittersweet. Right now, I'm saying the 00s smell like Dull. Five years of glorious boring. Will the next five years smell like the excitement of New? Will we live with New Smell? Will we succeed and reach our potential? Like hell, friends!

After the movie The Doors happened to America, people thought it was safe to like The Doors again. But it wasn't safe. I think we're paying the price for Doors-related indiscretions now.

Do you want four more years of glorious tribulation? If you do, vote. If you don't, vote for someone else.

It's hard to get up here and tell you what you want to hear. You don't want to hear me. You listen, but you don't hear. You want me to tell you that it's okay to walk outside at night. I can't tell you that! You should sleep eight hours each night, in the dark. You need to use daylight hours to the hilt. You need to get out there and give it the Old College Try. Always eat two bites of everything on your plate, and feed the bad bits to the Spaniel Under the Chair.

I haven't seen this much confusion in the streets since the Whoresun Buggy Days.

Ladies of the LTCSADNFABLA, let us show the others that we are strong and prepared to battle the forces of Evil. Let us disinter the Spirit of the New! Let us wag our pride in the face of Evil in a way unseen since the Whoresun Buggy Days! Let us take two bites of Evil and feed the rest to the Spaniel Under the Chair!

Thank you, Thank you.

3 Comments:

Blogger Outer Life said...

You can take two bites out of me anytime.

No spaniels, though.

4:41 PM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

I am inspired and I am not even a Lady. Clearly, the Lord Our God has His Hand on your shoulder. I can just feel the spirit as I read your words.

I am inspired now to start up a Campus Crusade for Esther Wilberforce-Packard (CCEWP). First order if business: Find a campus.

9:35 AM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

O to the L to the Evil T: I will compromise. You will suffer the two bites, but no Spaniel for you.

Chris: Get your estate in order. Your time has come to go to the Spaniel.

11:26 AM  

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