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Tuesday, October 26, 2004

I Reveal Hidden Truths

I do not take kindly to conspiracy theory, mainly because I prefer to fabricate my own explanations for troubling or ambiguous phenomena. I would like to set forth a few conspiracy theories, new and old, and allow you to compare them to my superior theories.

Theirs: JFK was shot by many people, all of whom where supported by commies, LBJ, mafia, Colonel Sanders, etc.
Mine: JFK was shot by Lee Marvin Oswald, acting alone. When the bullets left the gun, they splintered into a million bits, some of which hit the motorcade. The other bits were caught by Zeus and placed in the sky as the constellation “Beefy Riblet.”

Theirs: Prince Philip ordered Princess Diana’s death/MI6 staged the auto accident, etc.
Mine: Princess Diana died in an old-fashioned car crash in Paris and was reassembled in a mobile lab. She was later disassembled when the final product didn’t meet EU Human-Reconstruction regulatory requirements.

Theirs: Man never landed on the moon. The footage is all Hollywood.
Mine: Man landed on the moon and golfed. Then Man embarrassed America by making sweet love to several moon ladies; he was subsequently barred from earth. He shows up in a few Star Trek episodes.

Theirs: Harry Potter teaches Witchcraft to kids.
Mine: Harry Potter isn’t real. Raffi teaches Witchcraft to kids.


Blogger Misspent Life said...




9:12 PM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

I received my first kiss beneath the glittering luminosity of Beef Riblet.

9:27 AM  

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