But You'd Be Wrong

What's this? Flavian sent me a postcard scrawled with a bold appeal for my presence. "COME SEE ME IN HAITI. BORED SHITLESS," it read. No way am I going to Haiti. I'll get behind on my soaps. "They probably have TV in Haiti," you might say, but you'd be wrong. No TV. Flavian said they don't even have Bud Light in Haiti. He has to make do with Amstel Light - and those caps don't screw off. He has to cut the bottles open with his machete. It's just a plastic training machete, mind you. He's usually too intoxicated to pass the official training/safety licensure course that is required for wielding real machetes.