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Friday, October 14, 2005

Accept My Sincere Apologies OR ELSE

Great. I give Flavian the keys to the blog for one week, and what does he do? Nothing. This, after threatening to have himself shot if I didn't allow him to guest post. "I'll have myself shot if you don't let me post on your blog this week. I can do that. I know a guy. He'll shoot anything for $14," he told me. The phone connection was bad, so I'm not sure the $14 figure is correct.

Anyway, I was so busy asking forgiveness of God and my fellow man this week that I had no time to blog. This is what Tuesday morning looked like, for example:

6:00 am - Ate breakfast in the shower. Dressed, ran out door.

6:10 am - Drove to Pale Tom's house, woke him up, apologized for breaking into his car and stealing his stereo and travel mug last March. Since I was already there, I apologized to his cat for kicking over her water dish last July.

6:30 am - Drove to the laundromat and apologized to Mr. Flatley on behalf of the Wellington Throwing Club. Last spring we threw giant gobs of wet lint at Tony 'n Tina's Wedding participants. We never reimbursed Mr. Flatley for the lint. He accepted my apology and insisted on giving me two 30-gallon sacks of packed lint. Excellent.

7:00 am - Drove to Violet's house and threw pebbles at her window until she opened it. "I'M SORRY I TOLD EVERYONE THAT YOU WERE PREGNANT WITH A PRIEST BABY," I hollered up to her. It was very windy and a wet leaf schwucked against my face. "THAT'S OKAY, I GLUED IT BACK ON. GOOD AS NEW," she hollered back. Not sure she heard me properly.

7:15 - Sat in the car with my sacks of lint and dialed Flavian's number. I wanted to apologize for allowing him to write on my blog. I had the feeling he'd be overwhelmed. When he answered the phone I could hear an electric can opener and a woman howling profanity in the background. "Can't talk now, I just broke this lady's electric can opener," he shouted.

7:25 - Drove to John-Boy John Rickets house to apologize for repeatedly poking him in the belly with a stick while shrieking "Giggle again! Giggle again!" To be fair, everyone does this to John-Boy, as he is tremendously chubby and jolly. He wasn't home, so I left a note and a box of mini powdered donuts (minus the two I ate in the shower) on his stoop.

8:00 - Rafe phoned to tell me he found a baby in a basket at the front door. "I think it's a baby. I'm too frightened to look under the blankets. I have a massive headache. The basket's making sounds. Like crying sounds, but muffled, don't you know," he said. I told him to bring it to the kitchen to have one of the cooks look at it. Turns out it was just a tape recorder and a note that said, "YOU'RE HUNG OVER, AREN'T YOU, RAFE." Oh, how I roared.

9:00 - Stopped at the library to apologize for never returning books. When they tried to "pull up my records" to "see what kind of overdue fees we're looking at," I slapped the librarian's coffee from her hand and dashed out the door.

The entire week went on like this, see. Exhausting. I'm going to have a lie-down now.

6 Comments:

Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

So, was it you who last March left this comment on my site? --

"I am sorry I said you are incontinent. I meant pissant."

1:12 PM  
Anonymous Cadbury said...

Do you think you have a clean slate now? You didn't apologize to me for trying to flush my homeopathy thesis down the toilet. It wasn't crap, by the way. I got a D+.

3:52 PM  
Blogger Shane said...

And therein we found the first three episodes of the new TV drama Esther24.

11:55 AM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

True fact. A higher-up at my benevolent employer sent a generic company-wide e-mail that read in part: "I would like to ask all of you to forgive me if I have insulted, yelled at, or in any way hurt you this past year."

2:10 PM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

Old H - No, that wasn't me. I'd never begin a sentence with the words "I am sorry I..." in March.

Cadbury - What do you mean it wasn't crap? That paper practically flushed itself.

Shane - Shhhhh! They'll hear you.

Chris - Well, did you forgive him? I think you can deny him forgiveness twice before being considered "cruel."

5:37 PM  
Anonymous A Guy said...

You DIDN'T hear me correctly. I said I'll drink a shot of anything for $14. For another $2, I'll throw the empty glass at anyone.

1:21 AM  

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