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Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Signs

Sign #1: Today at 3:00 p.m., channel 45 aired the Brady Bunch episode where Myron the mouse gets picked up by his tail. You should never pick up a mouse by its tail - it's cruel. You should pick up a mouse they way you pick up a baby: that is, wrap the mouse in a blanket and quickly hand it to someone else. Sign #2: Today at 3:30 p.m., channel 45 aired the Brady Bunch episode where Peter gets a black eye and, in effort to ameliorate his shame and/or placate the evil spirits, Alice places a medium-rare steak on Peter's face. What's all this? That's not where steaks go! I can barely believe what the hired help gets away with on television these days. Plus, this morning there was a spider on my toothbrush and I saw a man walking a pterodactyl on a leash. Pack your bags, the end times are near.

9 Comments:

Blogger Adolfo Velasquez said...

Also, I am making meatloaf for my wife tonight. I believe this is in the Bible somewhere.

Yes, yes, here it is:

Do not eat anything you find already dead. You may give it to an alien living in any of your towns and he may eat it, or you may sell it to a foreigner...
Deuteronomy 14:21

5:33 PM  
Blogger Shane said...

In the garden, I have effected a Circle of Carrots (much like Mr Elton John's Circle of Life, but instead, made from carrots). Once I have returned from buying a newspaper, I shall sit within the circle and pray. I hope this is enough to save me. If not, see you on the other side.

10:46 AM  
Anonymous ByeByePerson said...

I'm glad that the end is near, because, frankly, I am tuckered out. What has wearied me so? My own timidity is exhausting. The stupidity of others is very exhausting. Let's all of us stick together in this. I can only face it if I know we'll be holding hands and eating ginger chews when the end comes. Thank you, dear friends.

1:29 PM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

The steak is to feed the maggots that will develop from the eggs planted there by the blow flies. Then the maggots eat the blood under the bruise on the eye, then become blow flies so they can deposit eggs on the spider that has been squashed on the toothbrush. This is called "The End of Days of the Bermuda Triangle."

9:39 AM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

Adolfo - Excellent. I say, is this you?

..a second, different beast, which was like a bear but raised on one side, and with three fangs in its mouth amongst its teeth; it was told, 'Arise, eat much meat!'
Daniel 7:5

Shane - The Circle of Carrots will save no man. You have to use Q-Tips dipped in muriatic acid. The acid neutralizes the evil while the Q-Tip gently wipes away residual sin. That's how it works in the commercial, anyway. Haven't tried it myself. Also, have you heard of those dental strips that lighten shame? For mere pocket change, you can see your shame blossom several shades whiter in just two weeks.

Bye - The stupidity of others need not exhaust you. I, for one, find it invigorating - but then I've also had a balanced breakfast, so who knows whence my vigor springs? Remember: The Q-Tip gently wipes away residual sin.

Old H - Thank you for clearing this up for me. I have a new toothbrush now.

2:05 PM  
Anonymous Cadbury said...

I don't like Alice. Look at her name: A LICE. She is a lice. I don't like lice, and i don't like Alice, or "A Lice." It's just how I feel.

2:54 PM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

I agree. I don't like Alice either, and I don't like Peter. Look at his name: Pet ER. Pet ER! Pet Emergency Room! It's horrifying. It does help put the steak into perspective, I suppose. What are those other fuckers named? Cindy? C Indy. See Indy! Car races are boring! Ha ha! I'm going to sit under the table and cry now.

3:17 PM  
Blogger Adolfo Velasquez said...

I believe that the three toothed bear spoken of in Daniel represented the Persian empire.

This verse, however ---

And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and mauled forty and two children of them.
2 Kings 2:23-24

--- probably refers to that madman, Howard Dean.

11:05 PM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

You may be right.

8:46 AM  

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