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Thursday, October 27, 2005

Life is a Big Slab

I had a bad feeling about it: Harriet Miers wasn't going to work out. This morning I dashed to my internets, as usual, for news and frothy inspiration, and I had my suspicions confirmed. Good, I thought. I never liked the cut of her jib, anyway. I didn't understand why she wouldn't state her position on trans fat, or on government vouchers that would allow up-quarks to go to private protons. I wanted to know if she would try to eliminate my constitutional right to purchase sub-standard electronics from Walgreens, including robotic plush cats and festive stocking caps that vibrate to the tune of Jingle Bell Rock. What is her position on intimigration, I wondered, or on conswervation? Would she try to keep me and my snowmobile out of Everglades National Park? Is she opposed to Fission-Assisted Suicide, and if so, what does she propose we do with people who dance in public? Has she experienced any unexplained activity that could be described, construed, understood or otherwise interpreted as "poltergeisty"? Who is Betsy, and what makes her so Charming? Is Scotus his first name or surname? Does she want to overturn Beard v. Justmoustaches? I wanted answers, and she wasn't talking. Anyway, all that unpleasantness is over now, and life is a big slab of butterscotch. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Walgreens to buy a plush AM/FM radio telephone that reheats coffee in your car.

11 Comments:

Blogger Chris Cope said...

You can have my snowmobile when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.

2:39 PM  
Blogger Shane said...

I just caught a snatch of the news earlier. Something about Harriet Miers' disappointing bush? Pre-watershed! I couldn't believe it.

5:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think his name is Scotus Scotus. It's like John John.

8:16 PM  
Blogger Adolfo Velasquez said...

According to yesterday's Rasmussen Reports survey, you were not alone, Esther:

How do you feel about the cut of Harriet Miers's jib?
51% respondents do not like the cut of her jib.
42% respondents like the cut of her jib.
7% respondents undecided about the cut of her jib.

9:21 PM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

Oh yes, it's all coming together now. Scotus Scotus and his sister Charming Betsy. Where did they go when their mother ran off with the Greek shipping magnate? Too young for boarding school, too pale and sickly for life on the islands.

10:28 PM  
Anonymous 1-800-Legal Advice said...

Snowmobiles are allowed to roam freely in Everglades if your an Evergladian. It's in the Constitution. Everyone thinks Polo ponies should replace them, but it's clearly unconstitutional. You are quite right to suspect a person's position on fission-assisted suicide since I suspect Walgreens is selling these items.

1:15 AM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

I am afraid you are going to have to be nominated, for only you knows the answer to these questions. Affirmation by the Senate will be swift, doubtlessly.

12:04 PM  
Anonymous Cadbury said...

My latest musical stocking cap came without batteries, so I've never heard the tune. I don't buy batteries for hats anymore.

Harriet Miers spells her own last name wrong.

2:33 PM  
Anonymous Igmar FillipĂ© said...

Harriet Miers and her presumed poltergeistical past fell prey to the palavering of the puritanical punditocracy.

11:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stop starting things with P.

8:51 AM  
Blogger kenju said...

It is preposterous that anonymous should presume to tell us not to start things with a "p"! I shall p anytime I want to, and you can put that in your pipe and parlay it!

9:45 PM  

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