Let Me Tell You

It's already 10:30 and I haven't had any breakfast. Idea for a movie: Somewhere in Kenya (possibly in east-central Kenya, but who can tell in this traffic?) a beautiful woman is murdered for her scratch paper. It was a crime of passion. Also, the murderer needed to write down a phone number quickly. The woman's husband, a shy man with black mustaches and a punched-in bowler, does not notice that his wife is dead and assumes that she's angry again. She is angry, but not for reasons he supposes. Also, she is still dead. The man, now a widower, notices that some guy is digging in the front garden. "Halloa! Stop digging in my garden!" the widower bellows from the window. The window is painted shut, as is the custom in Kenya, so the digger hears "Aaaa! Aaa aaaaaa aa aa gaa-aaaa!" Anyway, it turns out the digger can't stop digging, as he is The Constant Gardener. If he stops digging, the garden blows up. Keanu Reeves is in the garden, shouting and coordinating the digging. Nobody wants Keanu Reeves to die, primarily because he is so kind to animals. He is also kind to the elderly, but that is not what this movie is about. This movie is about risking your life for love. It is also about raccoons, but you don't find out about that until the end.