We Start With the Finest Natural Pif

I needed a few small gifts for some people I acknowledge, and I was panicking. What to do? The gifts had to be exotic (but cheap) and small (yet enchanting). They had to be exquisite, but economical. Voguish, but bargain basement. So I bought some fancy boxes from Fancy Boxes Et Cetera and I filled them with Raisinets. Then I printed out some gold decals that said:

“Here at Piffen Kruk, we start with the finest natural Pif from the ancient Krukken Flyyen forest of Jaffjkkok. We remove the Kruk Flut by hand and roast the Pif kernels to perfection. Then we swirl the freshly roasted Pif into a bed of sweet dark goat whey, creating the perfect blend of creamy, viscous Piffen Kruk that generations of Jaffjkkokers have grown to rather care for.”

So far, the response to my gifts has been outstanding, and in return I have received three job offers, two marriage proposals, and a black aluminum double-matted Successories print depicting a golf course at dawn. “EXCELLENCE IS NEVER AN ACCID-,” it declares. The rest of the quotation seems to have been scratched off or damaged in transit, but it’s the thought that counts.