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Thursday, December 16, 2004

It's Getting To Be That Time of Year Again

Every year I produce a gigantic New Year's Pageant Spectacular for my community. I staff my pageant with children from the community, as they do not require compensation beyond the Carnation Instant Breakfast packets I provide after rehearsals. This year our pageant theme is "We Can Do It."

The pageant opens with a bang, factory style: the Factory Dancers dance at their work stations, and an industrial nylon knitting machine falls on Tipsy MacGregor. She does not die immediately, but breaks out into the Christina Aguilera song about "doin' it." Then, of course, she dies, and the Factory Dancers whisk her broken body off stage to make way for Father Time, who rides in on an enormous Marlboro brand bathtub. He is smoking, though clearly not enjoying it due to the high winds. The Factory Dancers gather round to hear The Story of Time, but Father Time is distracted as his cigarette is blown away. He tries to light another one with matches that have gone through the wash at least once, maybe twice. The Factory Dancers grow bored and disperse. Father Time tries to lie down for a tub nap but the screen door keeps slamming. He gets up to secure it when several armed farmers enter and attempt to murder him. They fail to kill, but two farmers fall in love. A baby wearing a 2005 sash falls from the ceiling onto a mattress with the wrong Sleep Number, and appears to break his arm.

The New Year's pageant will be held in February 16, 2005 at the Xcel Energy Center. Admission $6. All checks must be written out to Esther Wilberforce-Packard. Bring a canned good for 20 cents off admission.


Blogger DarkoV said...

From quirky to cruel to shocking to money-grubbing to charitable. And all within the confines of 15 lines. Amazing!?!? Does canned heat all under the canned good umbrella?

11:58 AM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

With the NHL lockout, business at bars near the Xcel is down 50 percent. Thank you, Esther, for holding this pageant in my fine city so as to help offset the loss of tax revenue.
If anyone's interested in joining me, I shall be getting paralytic at The Liffey shortly before the show.

12:21 PM  

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