Surely, You Will Learn to Love Them

People often ask me how they can keep fleas off their dog without resorting to dangerous chemicals and awkward baths. I tell them to think like the flea. For example, why do fleas leap? Fleas leap to escape predators. I suggest introducing a larger insect to the dog’s coat – something that eats fleas, or just scares the crap out of fleas. I would try scarab beetles; “scare” is practically part of their name. If the scarabs fall off your dog (and believe me, they will), you can tell visitors that your scarabs are sacred guests and that you are the 4836th incarnation of Isis. Tell them that your scarabs bring you immortality. Then show them your ankh tattoo.

Sometimes people ask me how to get rid of scarab beetles. I always say “Why? Don’t they keep your home free of fleas? Don’t they bring you the respect of your peers? Has your personal scarab population grown too large? Don’t you like ancient Egypt? And how do you otherwise intend to pump legitimacy into that ludicrous ankh tattoo you’ve had since college?” People tend to assume that, as a scarab breeder, I have some sort of cash-based reason to exaggerate the efficacy and desirability of indoor free-range scarabs. How wrong they are, brother. How wrong they are. I believe in the power of my scarabs. I stand behind my scarabs, not only because that keeps them from sneaking up behind me, but because they are solid as a rock and trained to pick pockets.