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Monday, February 07, 2005

Antiques Roadshow: Deceivers! Liars! Scoundrels!

Just got back from a disastrous filming of Antiques Roadshow. For appraisal, I brought my 1902 Crossley Bros monocle, my set of 4 Louis XV dining chairs, my Poole Stoneware Quails, my beaded Turkish nut cracker, and my signed Ann-Margret record. By my appraisal, my loot is worth at least $25,000. Here's what their five "experts" told me about my antiques:

Monocle: "Where did you get this? I only ask because it is not a monocle at all. It appears to be a plastic button from a pea coat. Do note its blue, opaque nature, and it's embossed anchor. Not a monocle, and not an antique."
1902 Crossley Bros. Monocle: $.02 - $.04

Set of 4 Louis XV dining chairs: "Hmm. Not Louis XV. Not even chairs. Reginald, will you call security? Not sure what this woman is doing here. Miss, what you have here are four Kemps Vanilla Ice Cream Buckets. Security? Yes. Yes. Oh dear. I need a ciggie."
Set of 4 Louis XV dining chairs: $.01 - $.02

Set of Poole Stoneware Quails: "These stoneware quails appear to be actual frozen - yet thawing - sparrows. These would not make it to auction, as dead sparrows are not antiques, but carriers of disease. Excuse me."
Set of Poole Stoneware Quails: no value given

Beaded Turkish Nut Cracker, circa 1880: "This is a soiled athletic sock full of gravel."
Beaded Turkish Nut Cracker: no value given

Ann-Margret, "On The Way Up," 1962, signed jacket: "While this is indeed an Ann-Margret LP jacket, the signature is illegible and may, in fact, be a chocolate stain. The LP inside is not 'On The Way Up,' but Lisa Stansfield's 'Affection.' Wickedly scratched - probably not playable."
Ann-Margret LP: $.00 - $.25

Buffoons! Never have I been so outraged. This is NOT over.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

i thought i should let you know that i'll be planting the buckman flag in your sandy shore later in the week.
yours is one of three blogs designated by our master stategists as, "just asking for it", and so your lands, words, ideas, and sour attitude will shortly be usurped by the daily buckman.
i'd tell you more, but i need to have a bit left for when you're dangling over the poisonous shark tank.
for the record, i was against this forthcoming annexation. i stood right up in front of the buckman high counsel and told them you were fantastic, a right good elf.
but i wasn't wearing the enchanted pooka-shell necklace, my bad.
anyway, look for the fleet on your horizon sometime next week.
if only you would have visited more often, maybe got us on that blogroll sooner or brought us a token offering of precious metals... if only this wasn't such an empty one-way street...
if. only.

12:56 AM  
Blogger noisy ghost said...

That may be my sock, er, nut cracker. I've lost several lately. Is there a ragged hole in the big toe part of the nut cracker?

7:08 AM  
Blogger Rob Miles said...

Antiques in America? How droll.

7:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why does this Buckman character need attention so badly? Christ, what a desperate retard.

Antiques Roadshow told me my phony comics were worth trillions. I exaggerate, but I'm pleased.

Good work. Give the ghost his sock back.

_LL Jeffersen

12:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

desperate retard.
underscore L L bean, you are right-
this buckman character gives me a rash.
we should get together sometime and talk about him, that pitiable blockhead. we should find out where he lives and burn something on his lawn- and if he is really retarded we should draw attention to that and mock his affiliation with the special olympics.
will he be satisfied finally with that amount of attention?
i doubt it.

4:57 PM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

I just came across your "They have no laws in Mexico." That is the funniest thing I've read this week; no, this month, this year, last year....

6:44 PM  

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