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Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Fairy Tales

When I was younger, Fat Old Molly used to make sure I was in bed at a reasonable hour. She hated this task, but it often fell to her as a result of my inability to keep a nanny. At any rate, these stories will put any child to sleep, especially if they are shouted impatiently from the corridor.

The Princess and the Pee
Once upon a time there was a princess who had a shellfish allergy. She was also incontinent and complained a lot. Then one day she fell off the garage roof while trying to see into her neighbor's bathroom. She threw out her back and never married. The end.

The Witch with the Hickey
Once upon a time a witch had a hickey, but she told everyone that she burned her neck with a curling iron. Nobody believed her, so she told everyone to meet her behind the school at midnight and she'd provide proof. Everyone showed up at midnight except the witch, who hadn't reset her clocks to daylight saving time. The end.

The Idiot Prince
Once upon a time a prince threw his mobile phone into a wallaby cage at the zoo. The end.

The Beautiful Fairy with the Injured Wing
Once upon a time a beautiful fairy had her wing caught in her fly. She was in terrific pain. Her friend Zoe drove her to Urgent Care, where she had to wait around for hours before receiving medical attention. When she finally saw a doctor, he had food on his face. The end.

The Wizard Who Feared the Sea
Once upon a time there was a wizard who was afraid of the water. All of his friends were surfers and they teased him relentlessly. He had his revenge by sleeping with their girlfriends. At the age of 38 he discovered his own lactose intolerance. Eventually he went back to school to become a certified public accountant. The end.


Blogger Greg said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4:34 PM  
Blogger Greg said...

How very peculiar. These trouble me. They seem, well, grim. With one 'm'.

4:35 PM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Courtney took a lot of prescription medicines because he wanted to grow extra arms. The police fingered him for several robberies.

5:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah, reminds me of when I was a young'un and my own parental surrogate would tell me the tale of The Handmaiden and the Useless Aluminum Scrap Heap. Time and time again. Just the one tale. How I hate the tale of The Handmaiden and the Useless Aluminum Scrap Heap.

7:13 PM  

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