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Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Fae Wellington's The Loathing of Carolyn Forché

Some ripping magnifico recently stumbled upon Topic Drift by Googling "Is Carolyn Forché too obscene?" This is a tired line of inquiry, as many know, but I am often of tremendous help with tired lines of inquiry, so I will press forward. Yes, Carolyn Forché is too obscene, and I while I cannot prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt, I am pleased to provide what little information I can on this topic.

Look. Why does Old Lady Forché utilize such an ancient photograph on her website? Because she hasn't worn clothing in the past twenty years, for starters. Patently obscene. The only other poets obscene enough to wade naked through their golden years are Milton and Bukowski - Milton because he was blind and convinced that he was indeed clothed, and Bukowski because he had no woman to wash his filthy rags. Obscene.

She writes prose poetry. Few things rankle civilized man's ass like a prose poem. Obscene.

She abuses the objective correlative. As this is an internet smear, I do not have to back this up with examples or fact. I can just say it like it's true. It's probably not true. Is this true? Obscene, at any rate.

She calls herself a "poet of witness." Bah. No such thing. One might just as well call oneself a "nursemaid of trout" or "lieutenant of puddings" or "Human Resources Director" or "lumberjack of peri-menopause" or "emperor of ice cream". All nonsense. That last one's taken, I think.

She penned the line "Horses were turned loose in the child's sorrow." What in heaven's name does that mean? Children have no sorrow. For children, life is one big strawberry. Obscene.

I'm already bored sick with this topic, as are you, so I'm off to the basement to work on my tunnel to White Castle. As nearly every professor told me in college, "You need to flesh this out and give more examples. Do some research." Pfffft. Bah. Obscene.

FYI - In case you were wondering "Is Carolyn Forche too obscene? Too obscene for what?" I have compiled the following list. You may wish to print it out and stick it to the refrigerator for quick reference.

Carolyn Forché is too obscene for
-words
-a dinner invitation
-polite society
-water polo
-troglodyte surgery
-Grandma Moses
-seaside outing with the family
-penguins (both bird and snack varieties)

UPDATE: Silly me. Whoever googled "Is Carolyn Forché too obscene?" was not looking for an answer. He was looking for the new Milton Bradley board game "Is Carolyn Forché Too Obscene?" I haven't played this board game, but it appears to be a hybrid of Chutes and Ladders and Uno.

5 Comments:

Blogger noisy ghost said...

You may as well quit blogging, because you will never top this post. In fact, we all should stop, because the very laws of the universe decree that no one will ever top this post. You should be encased in bronze because of this post (after you are dead, of course).

11:29 PM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

I am thinking of changing my job title to "Lieutenant of Puddings" -- that or "Sergeant of Sundaes," or "Proctor of Pie."

9:59 AM  
Blogger Micah said...

"Lieutenant of Puddings" -- it would seem you have inadvertently grabbed an entry from the Top 100 Lost Guided By Voices Song Titles.

11:28 AM  
Blogger ProfShade said...

I took a graduate level American Poetry course from Ms. Forche. She looks nothing like her picture. She is exactly like her poetry-- misinformed, pompous and reeking of sandlewood. And according to the undergaduates she was successful in seducing on campus, despite their adent desire for some real obscenity, she was merely predictably naughty.

Micah-- aren't ALL GBV song titles 'lost?'

9:11 AM  
Blogger Christie Ann said...

wow, how misinformed all of you are...

4:07 PM  

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