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Wednesday, November 09, 2005

I Don't Really Want to Get Into the Particulars

Who likes to read books? Not me. But I found this book that I'm not going to read, and I wanted to share it with you. It's called The Year of Waiting by Jane Beech. Judging from the cover, it's about a lady named Rat Lady. Her doctor, Doctor Jon Train, thinks she has this terrible disease, but really it's only alcoholism and a little gingivitis. Never mind that. The important thing to remember is that Doctor Jon Train isn't even a real doctor, he's just a dialysis patient who lost his insurance card, stole some scrubs and never leaves the hospital. You're probably wondering: what does Doctor Jon Train eat? Answer: He eats what others leave behind. If you're waiting for your sister to have a baby and you buy a sandwich from Subway and you only eat half because you're sad, Doctor Jon Train would finish your sandwich.

This book is about how Rat Lady falls in love with Doctor Jon Train. I don't really want to get into the particulars. I will sell you this book for $900, minimum. Don't try to haggle with me. 900 dollars, firm.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are quite clever! Selling your overdue book in order to pay your overdue library fine! It won't work. The fine will continue to increase and you will be forced to auction off your entire estate.

I am an indentured servant now working to pay off my overdue fines because the sale of my estate didn't cover the whole amount. I'm hopelessly trapped because they think I'm a volunteer. That Ben Franklin scoundrel! He set up this whole elaborate "public library" scheme to ensnare the wealthy!

10:32 PM  
Blogger zzzzzzz said...

I love that book, I wish it was a movie. I always pictured Mel Torme in the part of Dr. Train.

10:33 PM  
Blogger zzzzzzz said...

A young Mel Torme, of course.

Key word: bncahooni Funny, I went to school with a Bn Cahooni.

10:35 PM  
Blogger kenju said...

You don't fool me, Esther! You wrote that book under a pseudonym during the November NaNoWriMo and now you are trying to sell it without having to pay sales taxes! For shame, woman!

10:38 PM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

No way, joses. I found The Year of Waiting fair and square at a garage sale. My neighbors flipped out one day and stacked all their awesome stuff in their garage. It was for sale, I assumed, though the merchandise was unmarked and the family was in Florida at the time. I took what I needed. Also, I inadvertently set the place on fire when I tested their creme brulee torch on a can of Dutch Boy.

Adolfo, I wonder if that was the same Bn Cahooni who tried to sink the USS Finkelstein when he learned that Ted Kennedy was aboard.

11:08 PM  
Blogger Afe said...

Dr. Train is preparing to perform karate chop surgery on the patient. This is an ancient art only able to be performed by those with lightning fast hands and incredibly sharp fingernails.

11:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anything on water with Ted Kennedy on it is already sunk. The Finkelstein sank without Sahib Cahooni being anywhere near it. The fate of the Hooters waitresses aboard was not recorded.

12:34 AM  
Blogger kari said...

how much is that in rubles?

2:35 AM  
Blogger Shane said...

See how he peers into the sky.
See how he hypnotizes (with hand movements).
See how he parts (and glues) his hair.
She is lost, lost forever.

4:00 AM  
Blogger Rob Miles said...

What I want to know is, what is it that the doctor is saying is "this big"? Or has someone just stolen his accordian?

6:42 AM  
Blogger Müzikdüde said...

I'll give you $800 for the book.

Take it or leave it.

9:02 AM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

Dr. Jon Train is refusing to look at Rat Lady. He can't bear to look her in the eye after stealing 1/3 roll of cherry Lifesavers from her purse while she was sleeping.

9:10 AM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

If you look closely at Doctor Jon Train's hands, you will notice that they are smooth. He has obliterated his fingerprints through plastic surgery. Now he can do crimes without leaving specific prints. But does he get off his ass and get out there to do crimes? No, not really. Because he's in LOVE. And because he is LAZY.

11:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I saw Dr. Jon Train when I had my appendix out. He swiped my jello. The nurses thought I was delirious, but I know what I saw.

I saw a grown man swipe my jello.

9:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I didn't swipe your jello, you left it on your table. Are you trying to starve me??!!

9:37 PM  
Blogger kenju said...

Hello, Esther, Muzikdude sent me this time.

11:00 PM  
Blogger Chemical Billy said...

Dr. Train, I love you. Your painted brows, your smooth hands, your earth-shattering part.

I will leave the remains of my lunch for you alone, my love.

10:21 PM  

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