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Friday, December 16, 2005

Ah, Le Menu

I threw a terrific party last Tuesday evening - it's taken me until now to get the house back in order. Everyone had a great time, but the best part was that I prepared all the food myself! My guests were in a pie heaven of sorts, though I didn't serve pie because it's too involved. My party food was so good that Violet suggested I publish the menu online so others can enjoy it. So here it is, Le Menu:

Little celeries stuffed with peanut butter and raisins - These were very popular. I've had the raisins in my cupboard for at least two years, but thankfully, nobody seemed to notice.

Little Cheese Pastries - These were great! When I took them out of the oven, they were stuck to the pan, so I just put the whole pan on the serving table. Guests tried to pry the pastries off the pan with their fingers. It was easy to get the cheese off the pastry, but most of the pastry itself stayed on the pan. Some of the guests complained, so I tried to scrape the pastries off the pan with a martini glass. The glass broke and I cut my hand. I probably should have gone to the ER but everyone was having such a good time at my party that I couldn't bear to leave. Questionable judgement, perhaps, given my excessive blood loss and frequent fainting spells.

Carrots - I hate carrots! I didn't "prep" the carrots at all. I didn't even wash them or take them out of the bag. I didn't even open the bag. These went over big, I thought - they disappeared right away. Later, I found them in the toilet tank, still unopened.

Glazed Cinnamon Almonds - I ate most of these myself, I do think, but not by design. I hadn't cooled the glazed almonds before I poured them into the serving dish, so they all stuck together. The glazed hardened far beyond the call of duty and the almonds couldn't be separated. Also, the glaze remained tremendously sticky, so when I reached into the bowl later, my hand stuck fast to the entire glazed almond ball. My right hand was wrapped in gauze by that time, so I couldn't pull the almond entity off my left. I had to eat the whole thing.

Shrimp - The box said "From the freezer to your table," so I didn't bother thawing them. I simply put the box on the table. Nobody touched them, not even the goyim.

Buffalo chicken wings - I've never made these before. I received several compliments on my wings, such as "I'm really enjoying the Buffalo sauce," and "I'm not so sure these wings are cooked through." They must have been slippery little guys, because I found several wings between couch cushions and behind bookcases.

Chips and salsa - The chips I had nothing to do with, but the salsa I made myself. It was easy! Tomato sauce, chopped-up jalapeno, pan drippings, worcestershire sauce, and skimmed milk. Food processor. Very popular! I must have served the salsa in a cracked dish, because a lot of it seeped out onto the tablecloth. But still very good salsa.

Raspberry Chipotle crostini - I couldn't get the polenta to set on it's own, so I made these crostini in mini muffin cups. The raspberry chipotle topping sort of mixed in with the wet polenta, and by the time I served this dish, the paper muffin cups had absorbed so much oil that they collapsed and disappeared into the polenta/raspberry chipotle mix. I set out little spoons by the mini muffin pan and called it Tuscan soupini.

Beer fried blankets - I created this recipe myself. In an ideal world, these would be small squares of dough fried in beer. In the real world, the boiling beer started smoking, set off the fire alarm and sort of seared the wall and ceiling adjacent. I didn't think anybody would want the dough blankets if they hadn't been successfully fried in beer, so I ate them myself.

Phwew! It was a lot of work, but it was worth it. The doctor says my hand may never heal properly, but he also said that I should "stop drinking milk" in order to "cure my lactose intolerance," so I probably just need to find a new doctor.


Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

And a ______ time was had by all.

(This is a great laugher, Wilberforce. One of your top 10 of all time.)

1:10 PM  
Blogger kenju said...

I agree with Hoss. No doubt the peanut butter re-hydrated the raisins. The carrots in the toilet tank is a good idea. wonder who thought of that? That's what I call a good hostess: one who puts food in the bathroom at parties.

10:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am spooning your salsa recipe into my face right now. All you need, is a doctor that will prescribe you heroin no questions asked. Everything else will follow. As foe the raisins, Who does notice? Really?

2:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Um, hi. I found you on a blog that I found on another blog. You're funny. So funny I think a little pee came out. Thanks :-) I needed that. The laugh, not the pee. Although I probably had to pee anyways, so I guess that was good too. I don't think I've read a blog funnier than yours. Ok, I'm gonna go read the rest now. Bye!

10:05 PM  

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