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Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Gospel of Judas

I don't understand all this commotion about the Gospel of Judas. I translated it years ago. Boring. Scarcely worth the effort. Judas mentions Jesus only once, in passing, and the rest is ordinary diary drivel. Some excerpts:

Why do all my black garments fade to different shades of black? My black trousers faded blue-black, my black turtleneck is violet-black, and my black hoodie is green-black with black-black trim. Dorcus claims that no one will notice these shade irregularities, but she's the one who pointed them out to me in the first place. What, so I should never wash my black clothes? This sort of thing really gets on my tits. (Judas 3:1-4)

Dorcas thinks she's a good lyre player, but she's not. She knows, like, two chords, and they're both wrong. Somebody save me. I think I'm going to have another piece of carrot cake before it dries out. (Judas 4:2-3, 5)

Just got home from running errands. Traffic was horrible. Saw Jesus at Crate and Barrel. He did that thing where he pretends to not see me, but I KNOW he saw me. How could you not notice me? I'm the only man in town with natural strawberry-blonde hair. (Judas 23:1-3)

I can't find my tiki-style sake cup set. Dorcus insists that she didn't throw it out with the nasty old Tupperware last week. Please. I wasn't born yesterday. She's wanted me to get rid of that set ever since we got married. Didn't throw it out, my ass. (Judas 16)

Dorcus's sisters are over, ostensibly to discuss the kitchen remodel, but all I'm hearing is "wah wah, gaining weight, wah wah daughter smokes marajuana, wah wah wah that's not what I heard..." Kill me now. (Judas 19:8)

I was tidying my scrolls just now when I had a great idea: why not surprise Dorcus with a new scroll? She's already read all these ones, and I know she'd like something to peruse while Matthias is at his karate lesson. (Judas 20:4-6)

It goes on like this for four volumes.


Oh, why did I take Coptic in high school? I should have taken something useful, like French. Then I could have translated something important, like the short stories of Gerard Depardieu.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish I had something witty to say about this post, but you've used up all of the wit, Esther. You've left no wit for us.


11:03 AM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

I don't know about anybody else, but I'd be willing to sit through the other three volumes.

11:42 AM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

The manuscript once again exposes Judas' lies. Christ was not ignoring Judas at Crate & Barrel, but was distracted because he was trying to make an exchange. One need only read C&B 22:13-18: "And He did speak unto them, saying: 'I am the Lamb of God. Shall you take not this broken shelf in exchange for one of strength? I have no receipt -- yours is the way to choose to overlook this, with faith in my word that the shelf was purchased in this place. Lo, for I am a carpenter! Could I not build a shelf thrice sturdy as this? But for I have traveled many lands."

12:10 PM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

Certainly, Chris. Your scholarship is formidable, but in such cases we must consider the source. Not only did the Sages reject this “Book of Crate and Barrel” outright, they questioned the very color schemes upon which C&B built its following. I myself have consigned this work to the ash heap of history twice: Once out of disgust, the second time after it broke out of the heap gates and thumbed a ride back to my house.

12:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And where was Mary Magdalene in all this? Surely Jesus wouldn't have gone to Crate & Barrel alone? Just another example of those damned jealous disciples ignoring her radiant prescence.

The Wankers.


3:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who are the decendents of Dorcus? What secrets are they keeping?

7:54 PM  
Blogger Fred said...

I agree. I'm tired of this whole "Judas" thing. So the guy gets mentioned in the Bible and then finds a publisher for his "Gospel." What's up with that anyway? If Guetenberg would have been born 1500 years earlier, Judas would have probably written a book instead of a Gospel.

I personally am waiting for the Gospel of Dorcas to be discovered. I think it will be a much better read.

4:34 AM  
Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

I have always wanted to name my first-born Dorcus......

2:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Esther -

You translation of Judus' little rant is far more important than you realize. You are the number one result on Google for the search of the two names Judas and Dorcus. Do I see a book deal in your future? Television interviews? A movie?

- Rich

5:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The sad irony that surrounds Judas is painfully obvious in your masterful translation. (Coptic always seemed like Greek to me, so I didn't get this from the original). Judas was clearly so caught up in his confusion over the spelling of Dorcas/Dorcus that he missed the tremendous commercial opportunity of researching the chemistry of the hoodie trim. I mean, black that stays beautifully black: is that not a clear path to fortune?

5:13 PM  
Blogger E said...

I'm seconding Mr. Adolfo Velasquez: I wish I could say something besides, "this made me laugh so hard that I snarfed my Diet Pepsi," but alas no inspiration comes. Your whole site rocks. I am not worthy. :)

2:13 PM  

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