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Monday, August 02, 2004

I Will Call It "Fae Wellington's The Bed & Breakfast Experience"

I will probably never open a Bed and Breakfast. If I do, however, remember this: Do not stay at my Bed and Breakfast. I am easily irritated and I will not put any real effort into providing you a proper breakfast. I will probably set a box of graham crackers at the foot of the stairs for you, and I may tape it to the wall to discourage you from absconding with the entire box. You pig, nine other guests have to eat from that box!

While bunking at my B & B, you will have to follow my rules:

1. Your shoes must not make noise
2. You are never allowed to whistle, sing, or hum, even if you think I can’t hear you
3. If you wear sweatpants and trainers, you had better be working out
4. You are not allowed to work out on the premises
5. You are not allowed to drone on about your medical problems
6. You are not allowed to say “my bad”
7. You are not allowed to say “somebody called me from this number”
8. If you wet the bed, I will tell no one as long as you buy the mattress and take it with you
9. If you do evil in my B&B, I will visit it upon you threefold. Perhaps fourfold, depending upon the severity of the evil. Twofold for funny evil.
10. If you see Zoe playing in the sandbox out back, remember: She may have the body of a grown woman, and the mind of a grown woman, but she is not a grown woman. Wait, yes she is. Just stay out of the sandbox, that’s rule #10.
11. If you have children, they’re going to have to sleep in your car.
12. No parking on the premises. Park at Arby’s and take the shuttle.

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