I've Missed the Hell Out of You, My Darlings

Where did dear old Stanislaus disappear to?  He was off to camp the Adirondacks and he never came back.  Moreover, he had my only copy of TV Guide’s '1000 Most Exciting Television Moments.'   And yes, he tended to have bad breath, and his hair was falling out due to his extreme fear of mountain cats.  But was he all bad?  Let us consider his other issues:

-His taste in rugs and window treatments was unconscionable
-He maintained massive inventories of over-the-counter medications
-When he farted, he blamed it on his shoes
-When he wasn’t large and in charge, he was large and sleeping heavily
-He did not notice when the city water had an odor
-He could barely speak for weeping
-The local tavern carried special freezer steaks just for him
-Mother’s health was all a joke to him
-When Walter Mondale was in town, he was nowhere to be found
-He took his interest in tunnels too far and collapsed the root cellar
-To this day I’m paying off his Ax-Man account
-Eight years of Little League taught him nothing
-He had “actionable ideas” for outwitting the Amazing Randi
-Tight socks concerned him
 
When I stop to really think about Stanislaus and where he could have gone, I usually fall into a larger, more metaphysical think-hole.  Where have ALL my friends and acquaintances gone?  Sigh.  I suspect that spiders have eaten a great many of them.  Probably because of something I did.