I Raise My Standards and Invite the Neighbors

I'm not going to sit passively in the face of "Joey" tonight. I'm going to arrange an elaborate Hawaiian-themed smorgasbord in front of the television, invite the neighbors over, and put on my mock-chain mail jumpsuit. During the opening credits, I expect my pent-up "Friends"-based fervor to discharge violently as I spray champagne all over my TV, my guests, the food, and my mock-chain mail jumpsuit. During the body of the show I will sit spellbound on the couch and suck up all the sprayed champagne through my kitchen sponge. The meat of my message is this: I only have one sponge, neighbors. Do bring your own.