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Sunday, January 02, 2005

Exclusive: Pretend this Post is Urine Jar Art, or Here's How I Sound at 3 in the Morning

Dear Secret St. Paul Friend aka "Karileigh," (shhhh!),

What are you doing? Sleeping, probably. It's about 900,000,000 in the morning. Very late! I've never been up until 900,000,000 o'clock before. It's a good thing I misunderstand living. It makes being up so late easier. As you can see, I am completely too tired and wired. Wired in two senses! Get it? I hope you get my joke regarding wired.

Maybe you want to go do something this week, or any other week. You can! But I meant, do something with ME, like eat some food in a restaurant or watch a No-Touch Car Wash for signs of touching. No touching at the no-touch car wash! Not allowed. Plus, you will be charged an additional fee.

I think I have a hive from stress. What do you have a hive from? Stress?

Why not tell me in a confidential email what you think of my proposition regarding eating? Everybody eats. Just put it into a confidential email to me.

I had this idea that I can make things in Appleworks and then shanghai them onto my blog with a system of levers and pulleys. Is this a possibility? Please tell me that I can do this. Also, please tell me that it will not harm me in the process. You know how much I hate things. I want Ulysses S. Grant and Little Edie in my blog banner. I also want a picture of Lady Justice. But instead of a sword and a balance dealy, I want her to be holding a couple magazines and a bologna sandwich. Have I said too much? I've read several confidential emails that have told me that my blog would become visually appealing with the addition of visually appealing appeals, such as visuals.

To make a long story short, write to me one (1) confidential email detailing your detailed answers to my urgent inquiries. Don't leave your confidential email in my comments field. Anyone can read that stuff.

All this and I'm still too awake to sleep. Fuck the police, eh? Eh? Eh? Speak up, I can't hear you.

What? I can't hear you over the sound of everyone striking me from their blogrolls. Now I've done it.



Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

I am not so tired that I am now seeing large, fast-moving "spiders" in my peripherals. I am also commenting on my own post. I have to admit, this is a very good post. I'm going to add myself to my blogroll.

2:42 AM  
Blogger Lucy said...

Dear Esther,
I am perturbed. I didnt get this post at all. Usually I get everything, and I mean everything. I am reluctant to assign blame for this comprehension failure but I'm guessing it's probably your fault. I mean, It's hardly my fault now, is it? Maybe I didnt read the joke in paragraph one properly. I'll go back and try again.
Kind regards,

12:01 PM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

Dear Lucy,
Never have I blamed anyone less than I blame myself right now. The blame seems to lie entirely with you, or someone like you. If you can understand Joyce, you can understand this post. If there was one thing Joyce loved, it was going down to the No-Touch Car Wash and busting people for touching their cars or each other.
All the Best,

p.s. The No-Touch Car Wash phenomena may be exclusive to the American Midwest. It could be that the rest of the world touches their partially-washed cars. Midwesterners do not, under any circumstance, touch their cars. Nor do we touch the works of James Joyce. You may think that I've included Joyce in this comment because you appear to live in Ireland. Not so. I've included him because the two of us share a common trait: readers need color illustrations to interpret us thoroughly. This post is actually about the time Poseidon asked Triton to kill a fish named Lee.

1:17 PM  
Blogger kari said...

i shall write a confidential email to you with the greatest of haste. or at least, with moderate haste. here goes....

9:48 PM  
Blogger kari said...

dear esther:
i have written you a top-secret email to your personal post office box. i have also written a memo to you that is not completely top-secret on my very own new fangled "web log," as those crazy kids call them.

10:09 PM  
Blogger Lucy said...

Crap. I didnt even understand that! What is going on here? Is it possible that my Omega3 fish oils ARENT working and I'm not getting any smarter? I'm going to go ask my mother; she knows best.
Yours in horror,

4:54 AM  

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