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Wednesday, February 16, 2005

EWP: On Painkillers

It's EWP Wisdom Wednesday, wherein I, EWP, offer my unalloyed wisdom on a Wednesday. Note that while I consider all of my wisdom definitive, I reserve the right to alter it drastically at any time and without notice.

On Morality
What is morality? If we knew, we could lock the warden in a linen closet and go home now. I maintain that morality is really a waste of time, especially when you consider how much time I spend waiting for my dinner to thaw. Time is the problem when it comes to morality. Who has time do the ironing or shovel the walk? One out of every three women do, but they have little time left over for folding their napkins into swans. I'd rather wipe my mouth with my un-ironed sleeve than with an un-swanned napkin. In some areas, people refer to napkins as "serviettes." Does this absolve them from guilt? No! They are still bad people!

On Faith
Some people have faith; others fake it. Some people have faith in God, some people have faith in their country. Some people keep faith tucked between their cheek and gum, though this leads to tooth loss and gum disease. Some have stolen their faith from their employers - and who can blame them? Those fat cats have all the faith they want just handed to them, and we wage slaves have to BUY ours! Once I bought a can of whipped cream and the dispenser was BROKEN. I had to eat my sundae without whipped cream. I could have opened the can with a stab of the knife, but did I dare? No way, Jose. This, too, is faith.

On Luck
Luck is not real. It is completely unreal. Lucky people are just unlucky people with nice haircuts. How do they maintain these haircuts? They don't! Sooner or later, their hairdressers move to a bigger city. That's luck for you. Same goes for manicures, only more so. Luck is not about winning the lottery. It is about hurling your cup of coffee at the car that nearly ran you over, and not having the driver emerge from his car with a shoulder-held surface-to-air rocket-propelled missile launcher. That's luck.


Blogger kari said...

i think you should call me right now and we can discuss these and other topics further.

11:36 AM  

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