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Sunday, July 10, 2005

Never Again will I Host an Enormous Wedding on My Estate

This afternoon while watching a fat spaniel cross the lawn outside the nursery window, I discerned some odd movement under the turf itself. "A HA!" I proclaimed - quietly, of course, to keep from waking the remaining babies with my fanatic cry. Perhaps now I will get to the bottom of this mystery, I thought. All day long someone had been stealing slumbering babies from the nursery while their poor parents celebrated a wedding on the south lawn. I for one was tired of the drama - nine babies to start with and just four remaining. And now this! I rushed outdoors and ripped up the roiling sod with my bare hands. As I suspected, it was a chap tunneling in from the asylum down the road. I held the flap of turf and briefly scanned the tunnel for evidence of the missing babies. The shabby tunneller soon recovered from the shock of seeing me emerge from above, and our interaction unravelled as follows:

"Making a clean getaway, I see," I said with open suspicion, hand to my chin.
"Yes, couldn't stand the place any longer," he replied.
"Seen any babies, have you?"
"In that case, would you care to climb out of there and have at the refreshments in the south lawn?" I asked, and gestured towards the noise. "Or shall I just replace this sod over your tunnel?"
"That'll do, now - replace the sod," he nodded and touched his cap. "Many thanks."

I replaced the sod and repaired indoors, and here I remain. It is imperative that I find some replacement babies - or better yet, the originals - and quickly. I can't have sentimental, post-fĂȘte parents collapsing in shock or spraying panicked oaths in my face. Sigh. I am in a scrape, I do think.

UPDATE: Found the babies. They were sound asleep and securely camouflaged in SpongeBob SquarePants bedsheets. It seems I tend to lose track of (or interest in) babies when they stop wailing or demanding juice. Character flaw on my part, I suppose.


Anonymous Patriot Xeno said...

That was the weirdest post of yours I've read...

8:05 AM  
Blogger Shane said...

One of the pleasant little lies that 'they' tell is that 'practice makes perfect'. So, what are your baby-sitting rates?

10:59 AM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

In writing allegories, is it okay to have a conversation with a mole? Or can you only do that in fables? This was never made clear by my English teacher, but I think you, Esther, may have some clues. But you seem not to have a clue about anything else.

12:27 PM  
Blogger Bleak Mouse said...

In The State of California Vs. Fairyland (1983), the Supreme Court ruled that it was "arbitrary, discriminatory, loathsome, perverse, and very bad" to exclude moles from allegories. An entire legal quagmire ensued, what with people in documentary films suing for admission to fables, convicted felons suing for inclusion of their acts under allegories, etc. But the principle is clear, somewhat.

9:48 AM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

I am glad you found the babies. Else this would have turned into yet another madcap caper in which you had to collect babies from the baby pound and dress them up to look like the babies you had lost. I feel sorry for the real Tiger Woods, who is currently an overnight stocker at the Target in Eden Prairie.

11:06 AM  

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