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Monday, June 20, 2005

Ought I Chloroform My Neighbor? A Brief Primer for the Hesitant

In a word, yes. Chloroform early and often, but never in order to deceive or harm. If you're like most Topic Drift readers, you occasionally chloroform a neighbor or loved one as a simple parlor trick or while making a point about the validity of a codicil, but have you ever considered chloroforming under the following circumstances?

-At dinner parties, in order to pilfer your neighbor's baked custard
-At backyard barbecues, in order to pilfer your neighbor's grilled chop
-At frontyard barbecues, in order to impress your neighbor's neighbors (who may also be your neighbors, and as such may need chloroforming themselves)
-When stealthily absconding with art (Oi, careful! Do not abscond with abstract art, as it is not real art)
-When confronted with the truth on a sunny afternoon
-In the dentist's office, in order to better read your neighbor's copy of Better Homes and Gardens
-At the beach, in order to take credit for your neighbor's sand castle (chloroform at least one hour after eating)
-On the battlefield, in order to effect general anesthesia during impromptu limb amputation (Mexican-American War and War of Northern Aggression only)
-While riding the city bus (chloroform self)

A few chloroform "nevers:"
-Never chloroform a woman; women hate that.
-Never chloroform a member of the Swiss guard; the Vatican hates that.
-Never chloroform yourself while standing upright; you will surely fall and bloody your brow on a boot scraper or a toy tractor.
-Never chloroform your chemist; he will rebel and stop selling you chloroform. Chloroform your chemist once and you will need to chloroform him every time you want more chloroform. I beg you, take this one seriously.
-Never chloroform in the workplace unless your employee handbook expressly allows it.
-Never chloroform a team mascot; that's poor sportsmanship

As one who has spent most of her life squarely in the "chloroform first, ask questions later" camp, I must admit that I've finally learned to ask questions first and chloroform later - in some cases, years later. This saves both time and bail money.


Blogger Shane said...

I will not go to my local chemist's shop - even in times of 'I'm in desperate need of chloroform' crises. You see, a lady who works there has a turkey-like wrinkled wobble-neck. I tend to stare at it and then forget why I entered the shop. All of my chloroform needs are met by Archie - the local kidnapper. I hope your other readers do not have to take such measures to acquire their chloroform.

Good day Esther.

4:35 AM  
Anonymous Patriot Xeno said...

You don't have trackbacks enabled, I see. Most unfortunate

7:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hhmm ....

8:42 AM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

Brilliant post.

12:37 PM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

This is sound advice. I myself have always uses nitrous oxide,with salutary effect. It is most amusing.

4:59 PM  
Anonymous Rob said...

Bugger to get hold of though Snake. Athough, at a pinch, you can get enough from a case of aerosol cream canisters.

6:40 PM  
Blogger Bleak Mouse said...

I have not yet chloroformed anyone, but I beg to differ with you on one particular "never" -- i.e., "Never chloroform a woman; women hate that." First, it seems to me that women would be half (51%, to be precise) of the fun; you can't simply exclude them by arbitrary fiat. Second, that they "hate" it is irrelevant. Who, apart from a few public lunatics, cares what women like? Third, do women ask men for permission slips before chloroforming them? I think not. You may have good reason for perpetauting a double standard here, but you have failed to provide it. Fourth, how many men in dentist's offices actually read Better Homes and Gardens? Blessed few, I'd wager, which raises serious questions about your ethics; you've obviously been chloroforming women, at least in dental offices. Fifth, though not least, I have serious objections to the idea of female Civil War wounded being singled out for amputation without chloroform. Just old-fashioned, I guess.

10:03 PM  
Blogger Desert Cat said...

Brilliant Mouse! I'd not thought of that.

1:43 AM  

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