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Monday, August 14, 2006

Hiatus From My Hiatus: My Newest Chef d'Oeuvre

I just wrote a book. It's about a lady who lives in the olden days, just like in The Portrait of a Lady. Her name is Daniella Peabo-Bryson, and she always sits in her parlor with a smallish, ornate box in her lap. She has a golden arm but it rarely figures in to the story line. Anyway, every time someone bothers her, she cracks open the lap box and a terrible gray cloud seeps out and fills the room with a sulphury, corpsey odor. The book just keeps on going like that, stink cloud after stink cloud, plus I put in some fruitful conversations about buying wigs and hunting with dogs. Daniella's not just conversing with herself, either! She is talking to her suitor, Tim Mee. One day, Tim Mee finds a piece of dental floss in his mashed potatoes. Suspicious, and also gross. Things really blow up after that, I must say. That Tim Mee is a rascal! He is also a homosexual. It's a plot twist. Here is an excerpt:
"It turns out I am a homosexual, Daniella," Tim said, and thoughtfully chewed his shirtsleeve for a moment. Daniella scowled at him. Then he started. "Now, Dear, don't open the box! You mustn't get cross! NO!" He stumbled back and crushed a lampshade against the mantel. Too late! The box was open! Choking stink cloud, everywhere! "Barffellklsfj!!" He barf-bellowed into his chewed shirtsleeve as he staggered to the door. As usual, Miss Peabo-Bryson remained unperturbed by the noxious cloud.
In addition, the book will feature fantastic illustrations drawn with mechanical pencil.


Blogger Afe said...

I once found a tiny advanced culture of expansionist frog-men in my mashed potatoes. They were delicious.

10:48 PM  
Blogger Ivan the Terrible said...

I had an aunt like that. Not that she needed a box.

She's dead now, of course. Died of shovels.

5:52 AM  
Blogger P. Curtin said...

May I have the movie rights?
I've got just the actor for the stink cloud.

7:56 AM  
Blogger Gail said...

Congratulations madame on your hiatal hernia.

10:33 AM  
Anonymous Natalie said...

I need to find me a box like that!

Good twist...I never saw it coming.

11:03 AM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

Want, need, must have that book.

PS -- Wouldn't it be better if there were also a character named Bill Lay?

4:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want to see the mechanical pencil drawings! I assume you are doing them yourself? I would fully support you in that endevour if you did, assuming, of course, that your previous artistic efforts are a prime example of your work to come.

8:20 PM  
Anonymous Famous Amos said...

EWP, please return soon from your hiatus! Surely you've had many adventures about which to write now. I cannot go on much longer without your stories.

9:49 AM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

Oof, BilLay!

12:44 PM  

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