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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Good Jokes to Tell at Parties, by EWP

A man in a dress walks into a bar. No, wait. That's wrong. He stayed home that day.

When you cook an egg on the stove, cook it properly or you'll get salmonella. If you get salmonella, retrieve the egg shell from the trash and whisper a swear into it. Close up the egg shell and put it in your winter boot. By the time winter comes, you'll have forgotten all about it.

George Washington ate an egg and he fell ill with the salmonella. "Martha, I got it," he said to Martha. "What have you got?" she asked. But she couldn't hear his reply, because he answered very quietly. Because he was in the library.

Why did Martha Washington cross the road? I don't know, it just doesn't make any sense to me.

How many Martha Washingtons does it take to change a light bulb? Four Marthas, one to get an extra chair for the fourth Martha, one to cut pie and pour coffee, one to wake up Martha 2 because she's narcoleptic, and one to crack a window because Martha 3 doesn't think she needs deodorant. They play bridge on Tuesdays.


Blogger Afe said...

Why did the plane crash? Cos it wasn't really a plane, it was a bus. In fact, it didn't even crash. You're delirious.

12:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How many Mary Todds does it take to change a light bulb?

12:05 PM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

Afe - Yes.

Sara - Mary Todd didn't change her own light bulbs; she was too short. What are you, some kind of spy?

3:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It was terrible seeing George walk around with dried egg on his wooden teeth. A new pair was made out of Dutch Elm, but of course it was diseased and so he eventually died at age 161. Just in time for my husband to pander to the Puritan Right Wing.

6:47 PM  
Blogger Shane said...

There are four Martha Washingtons???

7:13 PM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

There seem to be an infinite number of Martha Washingtons, Shane. If you must confront them, I suggest that you do so gently and with great caution - and then only when absolutely necessary. Note that groups consisting of four or more Martha Washingtons are highly unstable and tend to trigger the sort of chain reaction that'll stain your shirt.

10:21 PM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

Where is Mary Todd? Is she still pissing in the river now?

1:57 PM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

Tee hee!

8:52 AM  
Blogger R. L. Allison said...

I find it rather uncharitable of you, Esther, making fun of poor Mrs. Washington and her multiple personality disorder. Really, she is a laudable woman and occasionally quite charming. It’s not her fault that she is shamefully under-medicated... and all of the morals charges were eventually dropped.

9:19 AM  
Blogger mysfit said...

ask me if i'm a tree.

11:40 AM  

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