And the Game Begins Anew
"Over himself, over his own body and mind, the individual is sovereign, except in the case of John Davies Schaffer, who cannot do one damn thing for himself. Whether picking cork bits from his glass of white zinfandel or boiling a hock of ham on a Sunday afternoon, the man Schaffer cannot operate." - John Stuart Mill
When Schaffer heard I was back in town he descended upon my hacienda like a flock of Spaniards upon a pile of free guitars.
"I have gum in my hair!" he exclaimed. It was true, he had gum in his hair. I could see it. Schaffer has very few hairs, all of them clustered around his massive tonsure. The gum appeared to be whitening gum: the gum that makes your teeth whiter.
"Did your wife put it there?" I asked innocently. My concern was acute.
"NOT EVERYTHING IS MY WIFE'S FAULT!" He shrieked. Then he hauled back and kicked my sofa with the fury of Cain. The sofa leg collapsed and the sofa teetered dangerously. The cat hissed and shot out from beneath it.
"Now you've done it. You just broke that sofa. My mother gave me that sofa," I said.
"No, you bought that sofa at the furniture place on 44th and Hawkes! I was there."
"Horseshit. That sofa was a gift from my mother. 44th and Hawkes is an Amoco station." Schaffer stared me in the eye.
"I think Amoco is BP now."
"Oh, that's right. That's it."
"I don't go there."
"Can't say I blame you."
"They charge fifty cents for air."
"Air's free at Holiday."
"That's what I'm talking about."
"I hear that."
"Well... anyway." We paused, and Schaffer sort of looked at the wall.
"So your wife put gum in your hair," I said.
The thing about Schaffer is that he fights like a girl, and his wife fights like a badger. "Don't marry that badger," I told him years ago. But did he listen? No, he damn well did not listen. He went ahead and married her! I cut the gum out of his hair and invoiced him $400 for the sofa. Badger.