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Friday, November 04, 2005


I want to talk about the bird flu. Do you think that boxes of Froot Loops are contaminated? Maybe not, yet. But they will be. It is just a matter of time. That toucan is positively riddled with virus. There is nothing you can do about it! But it is coming, mark my words. Inevitable. The important thing to do is THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME - CONSTANT, IMPOTENT VIGILANCE. I've never really liked Froot Loops, myself. AS FAR AS CEREALS GO, I TEND TO SKEW TOWARDS YOUR FROSTED VARIETIES, YOUR OATMEALS, AND YOUR GOLDEN GRAHAMS.

UPDATE! The more I think about it, the more I'm not worried about the toucan. He isn't real. He can only transmit fake avian flu to other fake animals, like Captain Crunch's parrot, or - if we're lucky, and if the virus mutates properly - to that infuriating leprechaun with the marshmallow stars and clovers, or even to the rabbit who sells Trix from the back of his van. I hope the virus doesn't mutate to the point where non-cereal spokesrabbits are in danger, however. I like the Nestle Quik rabbit. He's good people.

UPDATE! The more I think about it, the more I'm not sure if Captain Crunch has a parrot. He's not a pirate, after all - he's a captain. Maybe he keeps some canaries in his cabin, though. I would. If I were a captain, I'd want the canaries around in case Tennille started pestering me to play the piano. I'd train my canaries to peck her scalp.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Madame, UNHAND my Golden Grahams!

1:15 PM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

I tend to screw bite-sized shredded wheat, Wheaties, and Young's Deluxe Double Chocolate Stout for breakfast. I guess it takes all kinds, otherwise it wouldn't take two rows of grocery space.

1:58 PM  
Blogger Andraste said...

You can afford breakfast cereals? You must be very, very rich. Richer than that stupid Leprechaun, anyway.

2:54 PM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

Just because I can doesn't mean I do - that's what I always say. Just because I can buy cereal doesn't mean I do buy cereal. Alternatively, just because I can communicate with circus elephants doesn't mean I coerce them into sudden stampede. But you know what? Sometimes I do.

8:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is terrible talk and you should not mention it to the children. If this fake avian virus mutates, it could infect the Nestle Quik rabbit, the Energizer bunny, all my batteries, my laptop... wait... I have some sort of anti-virus on my laptop. I bet the nice people at the computer store can find vaccine for the Toucan they only try.

Why aren't the scientists working on more cures? Don't they have any computers with anti-virus?

7:40 PM  
Blogger Spirit Fingers said...

Esther would look really good with a 3M-N95 Bird Flu Face Mask on.

3:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hoss lies. He was having Wheaties and Jack Daniels just the other day. All I know is I'm not getting on an airplane once that stuff hits. Which means I need to get someplace better than this BEFORE it hits. And I've laid in a stash of face masks from China- before they raise the price.

5:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

P.S. Esp. Northworst Airlines. I'm also in a hub and things are just going to hell in a hand basket at the airport. Could you please speak to what's his face, Steen-something, about this mess? He's such a greedy little weasel. I hope he gets fake avian flu.

5:24 PM  

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