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Tuesday, April 04, 2006

What the Financial Times Doesn't Want You to Know

Mild Profit-Taking
"Japanese real estate stocks extended gains into the eighth straight day on Tuesday morning, making up for mild profit-taking in some other sectors in the wake of Monday’s sharp rise. By midday the Nikkei was up 0.3 per cent to 17,384.53," claims the Financial Times. Boring. What the fat cats in Tokyo don't want you to know is that all of these "other sectors" experiencing so-called "mild profit-taking" are secretly financing the design, manufacture, and distribution of the first animate human children made entirely of prosciutto and faux fur. The manufacture and sale of these "Quasi-Nutria Meat Moppets" and "Woolly Stink Cherubs" is legal in most countries, with the exception of Belarus, which has frequently expressed concern over the manufacture (though not the sale) of meat-based concept children.

Prices Jumped to Their Highest Level
"Crude oil prices jumped to their highest level since Hurricane Katrina on Monday... as Iran announced it had tested new weapons during war games in the Strait of Hormuz," claims the Financial Times. Whatever. I heard it wasn't Iran. I heard it was that that little old couple, Sylvia and Sidney Schumacher. Why, just this morning I was having breakfast at the lodge when I overheard a girl they called "Baby" say, "Wait a minute. I know Iran didn't test new weapons in the Strait of Hormuz. I know because Iran was in his room all night. And the reason I know is... because I was with him." Then Baby was all, "Daddy, I'm sorry I lied to you, but you lied to me too," and for crying out loud, that was the last straw. I left without finishing my Frosted Flakes.

Securing a Cash Inflow
"GM agreed to sell a controlling stake in its finance arm to an investment consortium led by Cerberus Capital on Monday for $7.4bn, securing the troubled carmaker a cash inflow of $14bn over the next three years," claims the Financial Times. But that's not all GM has sold. Woo-hoo! I showed up at their estate sale with a five dollar bill and I left with two Nancy Sinatra albums, some photos of Yosemite and a newish bucket full of shrink-wrapped sponges. I thought I saw some old Radio-Electronics magazines and a briefcase full of socks, so I plan on going back tomorrow for the $1 bag sale.


Blogger Chris Cope said...

I got a suit from the GM estate sale that was chock full of mildew. My allergies are killing me right now. But at least I look good.

12:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Looking good should always come first.

4:21 PM  
Blogger Mel said...

Those Japanese idea-stealing bastards! Now my Wooly Stink Cherubs line of chic winter clothing for impossibly rich infants goes right out the window!

5:09 PM  
Blogger Fred said...

The editor at the FT is a boob. The "other sectors" in Tokyo took a prophet Tuesday. That's right, on the corner near my apartment this guy has been mildly prophesying the end of the world for several years now. I guess the "other sectors" became rather annoyed because this morning there was no sign of him. People who knew him said his was whisked away in at mid-day by an agry mob of furriers and butchers. Go figure.

8:31 PM  

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