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Sunday, August 08, 2004

August is Ghost-Finding Month

I suppose it is reasonable to assume that my house hasn’t any ghosts. But I’m going to assume that it has, and I’m going to find them. Doubting Dave of Discovery Kid’s “Mystery Hunters” has three suggestions for me:

1. If you draw chalk circles around household items, you will notice when the ghosts move your stuff.

While I’m not too lazy to draw chalk circles around my stuff, I am too lazy to locate and unearth my cache of hoarded chalk. My carefully monitored chalk circles would surely draw the attention of Anne, who would begin to underestimate my sanity, if she has not begun to do so already.

2. Use a compass to detect any unusual electromagnetic business in your home.

Every time I take a step forward, my compass needle jiggles. What does it mean? Am I unsteady on my feet? Do my ghosts suffer delirium tremens? Yes.

3. Use a digital thermometer to find ghostly cold spots in your home.

I don’t have a digital thermometer.

Other factors indicating the presence of ghosts in my house: The floors creak when I step on them. Key snacks go missing long before they ought to. Small piles of mixed change become piles of only pennies. My phone never rings. Hair in the drain. The cats don’t like their food. The servants have all left in a fright. Tap water tastes ghosty.

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