Fae Wellington's The Dinner Party
Are you coming over for my dinner party? You are? Why, I find that odd, for I am not conducting a dinner party any time soon. But when I do, it will be by invitation only, and you will have to adhere to the following:
1. If you detect an unpleasant smell upon entering my house, assume that you brought the smell in with you. My house is immaculate.
2. Required dress: piss elegant.
3. You really ought to bring me a nice gift. If you bring me a box of steaks, I will empty the box under the hood of your car when you are not looking.
4. Don't like hours of Phil Collins, Gershwin and jarring German electronica? Don't come to my dinner party, dog!
5. I will have some fine booze on hand. If you spill it, I will slap your cheek and repossess your glass. You will drink pedialyte from a sippy cup and you will wear a Dr. Seuss hat. We will avoid you.
6. I do not care where you are in your divorce, you will not be permitted to cry behind the locked bathroom door. Shouting matches always encouraged. Please, drink. Oh, do!
7. If you dislike the food, whip it at the hippy in the Dr. Seuss hat.
8. You will be permitted to trap game in the wood behind my home for the duration of the dinner party. Any game and/or traps left behind will become property of yours truly.
9. All roof fires will be promptly extinguished.
10 You must evacuate my house immediately upon my cue: I will ring a cowbell. If that does not get you out of my house, I will start smashing the porcelain with the cowbell. Princess needs her beauty sleep.
1. If you detect an unpleasant smell upon entering my house, assume that you brought the smell in with you. My house is immaculate.
2. Required dress: piss elegant.
3. You really ought to bring me a nice gift. If you bring me a box of steaks, I will empty the box under the hood of your car when you are not looking.
4. Don't like hours of Phil Collins, Gershwin and jarring German electronica? Don't come to my dinner party, dog!
5. I will have some fine booze on hand. If you spill it, I will slap your cheek and repossess your glass. You will drink pedialyte from a sippy cup and you will wear a Dr. Seuss hat. We will avoid you.
6. I do not care where you are in your divorce, you will not be permitted to cry behind the locked bathroom door. Shouting matches always encouraged. Please, drink. Oh, do!
7. If you dislike the food, whip it at the hippy in the Dr. Seuss hat.
8. You will be permitted to trap game in the wood behind my home for the duration of the dinner party. Any game and/or traps left behind will become property of yours truly.
9. All roof fires will be promptly extinguished.
10 You must evacuate my house immediately upon my cue: I will ring a cowbell. If that does not get you out of my house, I will start smashing the porcelain with the cowbell. Princess needs her beauty sleep.
2 Comments:
Oh. That explains why my pickup truck smells so meaty.
drats. i just thought you had found a more efficient way of grilling those steaks, you damn ingrate.
dare i ask what became of the canned salmon?
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