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Wednesday, August 01, 2007

He Narrowly Escaped a Substantial Drubbing

I once wrote a profound book entitled “Similar Ducks.” It involves several similar ducks standing about, looking askance. It is illustrated. It is a thing of beauty. It is available for the low low price of $49.95.

Recently, some lathered desperado from the plains complained that my ducks had pointed beaks. “Ducks have rounded beaks,” he bawled, shrugging and smiling as if to casually deflect a savage beating. "Your pointed beaks make me think your ducks aren't ducks at all, but just random birds." I clenched my teeth. “My ducks are some sort of rare, Asiatic duck, the like of which you are not aware." He refused to believe me; I leisurely reached for my bit of lead piping and

Look, I’m already tired of this story, so how about a joke instead? What did the crawfish say to the armchair? Answer: Something something ottoman. I can’t remember how it goes. Do fuck off.


Blogger Ivan the Terrible said...

You seem listless and lacking ooomph, young Esther. Your sad ethereal lassitude pervades the landscape of your musings like a particularly weepy willow by a Victorian riverbank. Only one that says "Fuck off" a lot.

They should have had more foul-mouthed trees in Victorian literature. It would have improved The Mayor of Casterbridge no end, for a start. No saving Tolstoy, tho'.

Whatever. I happen to have an almost inexhaustible supply of ooomph available in capsule form at very reasonable rates. It can be yours for the paltry sum of three asiatic ducks. Then you can finish that story about the lead piping.

I am a great connoisseur of plumbing-related narratives.

4:18 PM  
Blogger Eric said...

That joke reminds me of a young Colonel Sanders, delicious in all the right places. If you put that ghastly pipe away you might find yourself invited to the next private patio engagement. Yes? Good.

3:00 PM  
Anonymous George Bernard Duck said...

It's a cross between a chicken and a duck, a chixuck.

8:46 AM  

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