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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Aha!, etc.

Good idea for a movie:

Mary Poppins comes back from the dead to mind two very towheaded children who, despite serious and vague credentials, are not quite Nazi-style Aryan - probably because their maternal granny was a homosexual. The children live in a grand mansion infested with tiny ants. Mary Poppins suggests sprinkling cayenne pepper near the ant entry points. “This discourges the ants,” she says. Obviously, dammit, cayenne does nothing to discourage ants, so after the Tripods snatch Mary Poppins and provisions run low, the children feast on ants. Also, the children shrink to the size of ants and hunt ants with ant spears and wear ant pelts. This keeps them alive until the end of the war. Cameo by Jackie Onassis.

I had a second idea for a movie starring Taylor Dayne as Taylor D’ayne, a roadtripping single mother who will stop at nothing to crap in the haunted toilet at the Winchester Mystery House. Unfortunately, it features an animated underwater fantasy sequence involving ominous Disneyesque characters. I've been warned that animated sequences have gone the way of Steller’s Sea Cow, i.e., nobody cares about Steller’s Sea Cow, so I may have to replace it with my usual black and white stock footage of a villain slicing a steak with a comically small knife.

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Blogger Ivan the Terrible said...

Great plot ideas. They are both an exquisite combination of the confusing and the irritating. But they still beat "The Lady In The Water" into a cocked hat.

Just a couple of teeny tiny changes top achieve perfection:
- change the main character's name to Emmanuel Dogpatch
- include a hot Lesbian scene with a singing nun
- add a psycho slasher in a hockey mask. With a heart of gold.

12:29 PM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

Your additions, while compelling, will not help my films reach their target audience - namely, women who love too much, and poorly behaved children with no specific bedtime. I will take your suggestions under advisement, however, seeing as I have nothing else to take them under. What?

1:05 PM  
Blogger Project WANNABE said...

Intriguing, but I'd like to hear more about the Tripods.

1:36 PM  
Anonymous Kristy said...

I have always wanted to use a haunted toilet at the Winchester Mystery House. Unfortuntely, the secular toilet was the only one available when I made my pilgrimage. Crap.

9:50 PM  
Blogger Rob Miles said...

Mary Poppins is dead??????

7:12 AM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

Oh, ever so dead.

9:29 AM  
Anonymous Andrew Cusack said...

Might I suggest a philatelic or vexillological subplot?

9:19 PM  
Anonymous divadias said...

Are the childred tow headed or two headed? I suspect a typo. Also, do the children have nits? Will the nits form a baseball league?

8:01 AM  

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