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Monday, August 16, 2004

Another Fae Wellington Success Story

I’m thinking about opening a museum. It will be called “Fae Wellington’s The Underwater Museum of the Painted Zoftig.” I can explain. By “Painted Zoftig,” I mean a chubby lady with heavy make-up, husbands for money, and poofy hair. By “Underwater,” I mean in an aquarium that has gone out of business. By “museum,” I mean an exhibition of photos, personal effects, drawings/paintings/sculpture of and by Painted Zoftigs, life-size wax Painted Zoftig figures, and so forth. I’ll begin by featuring the following Painted Zoftigs, and add more as they occur to me:

Gabor Sisters
Sante Kimes before prison
Anna Nicole Smith
Liz Taylor
Jayne Mansfield
An Assortment of Mafia, Borscht Belt, Las Vegas, and Florida Ladies
Tammy Fay Baker
Liza Minelli, almost but not quite

It’s a bare-bones list, but I have to start somewhere.

The real moneymaker in my museum will be the Children’s Underwater Sleepover, modeled after the Aquarium Sleepovers that are so popular with the bourgeoisie. My sleepovers will take place in the Painted Zoftig Underwater Viewing Area. Kids will learn about the ladies, eat pizza, and fall asleep to the hypnotic blue glow of the Painted Zoftig Life-Size Wax Figure Underwater Tank. The children will wake up screaming, I suppose. After they calm down and roll up their sleeping bags, it’ll be Frosted Flakes time.

If this electrifying vision appears a little desperate, that’s because I thought of it while running without my walkman.


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