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Saturday, August 14, 2004

Let's Get America Moving Again

The campaign season is too long. It distracts voters from Scott Peterson in Paris. WAS he in Paris? EEEE! I’m sure I’LL never know! Anyhoo, during a Levitra commercial, I devised an improved campaign structure:

1. First, each candidate for President completes an application in his or her own handwriting. I suggest we cut costs by using that free art test where you draw the turtle pirate. Candidates can write their ideas for the future on the back. Candidates mail a copy of the application to each voter.
2. Urine sample collected on live TV, tested by Maury Povich’s lab staff.
3. One month to stump.
4. One 8-hour debate on live TV. Open bar for debaters. No food or water served.
5. We vote.
6. Loser sacrificed to sun god on live TV.
7. Winner violently hazed by current administration on live TV.

Excellent, isn't it? A brief campaign that reflects American values and frees up time for such autumnal activities as: back-to-school shopping, stowing patio furniture, locating and airing out sexy cat costume in time for Halloween, frying smelt, winging crab apples at cars, et cetera. Maybe you don't know what smelt is. Maybe smelt is fried in the spring. I can't help you with any of that. It's not my thing. My thing is getting America moving again.

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