I've Taken to Things

When Trinny and Fatty show up at my door in order to rip all of the unsightly clothing from my closet, they’ll have a surprise waiting for them: I’ve taken to hiding my unsightly clothing in the refrigerator. Nothing tops chilled trousers on a beastly, humid August morning. Unfortunately, it’s been colder than a witch’s teat here in the metropolis - real mitten weather. Now I’ve taken to warming my clothing at the hearth. So if you’ve been wondering why all my cruddy clothing is singed and sooty, it’s because I warm my refrigerator clothes before an open flame. “Why live in fear of Trinny and Fatty? Do you see how fear of Trinny and Fatty is tearing you apart and destroying the last vestiges of your clothing?” people ask me. Huh. What am I supposed to fear, if not Trinny and Fatty? Centipedes? Banking? Small talk? Barfing? Too late, peoples. I already fear those things.