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Thursday, November 11, 2004

My One True Fire Speech

I spoke at a luncheon for the International Interdenominational Predeterminationism Society of the Americas today. Holy cow, I really had them going! After my speech, we had to evacuate the ballroom - the floor nearly collapsed from the thunderous foot stomping! Here's the speech, for those of you who were not there (where were you, Noam? I saved you a seat!):

Ladies and Gentlemen of the IIPSA, thank you for inviting me here to speak to you today.

As you already know, twenty years of well-deserved rest can strengthen any organization. But if you're like me, you're asking yourself, "Hey! What next for us? Hey?"

Calm down, man! We cannot move mountains with our insatiable desire for more mountains! We must scale that mountain, cut out the taproot, slide down the mountain, and replant the taproot on IIPSA land! We must build mountains ourselves! We must light the One True Fire!

What we need, more than anything, are a few leaders fearless enough to light the One True Fire. If Chinese proverbs ever taught us anything, it was "Better to light one small garage fire than curse your fellow arsonists." If justice is our domain, why are we warming these lobby chairs with our flabby asses?

I once knew a simple man from Wisconsin. He had the fire in his belly. He had the gumption to let it out, let me tell you! He set fire to a shed on his own property. He did a fine job! But later that morning, he came to me - he was a broken man. "I did the best I could!" he wailed. "I just don't got it in me, I just don't have what it takes!" He needed a shave.

Now, what do you think I told this man? That's right! I told him what we tell every man who's just starting out: "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful fires can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." Well, he went out and set fire to half of LaCrosse that night! Let me tell you, that man is Bill Johnson, your treasurer! Stand up, Bill! Look at him today! He's AMAZING!

People, the One True Fire may be the next fire you set. Now, you may have your troubles. Maybe you can't find a wife. Or maybe you have a wife, but you can't find her anyway. Justice is the key. Who has the key? Dunno. Could be anyone. Could be YOU.

It's not all about lighting fires. It's not all about justice. It's about love. It's about lip service. It's about filling your cup to the rim with Brim every morning, and never saying never!

Now, don't rush out of here expecting to find justice. You won't find it out there. It's in here, in your heart. (pound chest) The One True Fire is in here. IN HERE! (pound chest) IN HERE!

Thank you, thank you.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Any interest in addrsssing a gathering of Acolytes of the Eternal Flame? We have cheese and fire nights every other Wednesday. It's burnt cheese, naturally.
- Stephenesque

4:26 PM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

No sweat! (And to think, I've been burning cheese alone all these years. I had no idea there were others like me. The lab technicians always told me I was...different. Pfffft, science.)

10:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, to be honest, I like to singe mine a little rather than go for the full burn. Singe and nibble. Singe and nibble. it's agreat night in!

9:47 AM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

Sounds lovely. Is it considered raclette if you nibble it straight? Or must you slather the singed bit on bread? The more I learn about fire, the more I learn that I know nothing about fire. Same goes for cheese, but less so.

Cheese: not quite as abstract as fire, but oh so alluring.

2:12 PM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

A man once told me that the French think of cheese as alive. This is probably why the French live in their own filth and spend their days on the Metro asking one another for money. Everyone knows that fire is alive -- it eats wood and paper. I have never seen a piece of cheese eat wood. Christ, the French are stupid.

2:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Personally I like to dip my singed cheese in a melted plastic fondue prior to nibbling it ... but that's just me.


4:06 PM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

Really? Cripes, doesn't that stick on your teeth? Because you could try smelling the inside of a doll's head while eating the cheese. You'd get that super plastic flavor without the plastic tooth encasement.

My apologies if you have no teeth. Sometimes I just don't think before I type.

4:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was on fire once. But the fire was in my hair (pat head), my face (slap cheek) and my hand (DON'T pat head when you hair is on fire). The fire wasn't in my heart, Esther. If it would have been, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be writing this now.

P.S. Grated raw potatoes are an excellent burn treatment, but they must be raw. Neither homes fries nor au gratins supply the same cooling comfort.

10:21 AM  

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