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Thursday, February 17, 2005

Fae Wellington's The Flattened Bread Revolution

In the olden days, I would sometimes take a piece of bread and flatten it before I ate it. If you flatten the bread first, it isn't so puffy. It is simply flat and delicious. So, the next time you want good, flat bread that isn't puffy but is delicious, just remove a slice from the bag and flatten it against a dinner plate with your thumb or with the bottom of your glass. I think that you will agree that it is less puffy, but delicious.

This may surprise you, but I have never flattened two slices of bread to make a sandwich. For a hilarious sandwich, flatten two slices of bread and put a puffy regular slice between the flat slices. You will roar with laughter! A flattened bread sandwich! That is indeed the living end. I chuckle to think of such an outrageous sandwich.

I do think that flattened French toast would cause your guests to positively vomit with merriment.

To flatten a few slices of bread and toast them will result in small pizza crusts that are out of this world, though they will not elicit the bellowing jocularity that the flattened French toast can (and will) elicit.

When camping, consider flattening your bread the night before you leave. This will help preserve space in your knapsack, and will increase the deliciousness of the bread. Common sense dictates that flattening will also increase the waterproof nature of your bread. Flatten it one slice at a time, because if you flatten it all in one go, you will have a devil of a time peeling the slices apart. Nobody wants to wrestle a flattened loaf of bread while squatting before a campfire or while balancing in a charming birchbark canoe.

4 Comments:

Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

No, no, no. That is not a "flattened bread sandwich." That is a Western Sandwich -- 3 slices of bread with wide open spaces in between. It is helpful to use proper nomenclature when writing a food column as famous as yours.

1:48 PM  
Blogger sparklestone said...

I worked at a popular fast food chain back when I was in high school. Ok, it was McDonald's. There was a special 3-tiered toaster for the Big Mac buns. The middle tier, for the middle piece of Big Mac bun, was the thinnest. I would cram an entire regular burger bun with a burger and cheese... maybe, if I was feeling jaunty, some random pieces of meat stolen from one of the chef salads and then close the toaster on it. The resulting 1/4 inch high sandwich was called a McFlyer or McFrisbee by my coworkers.

Sweet Lord, I miss that sandwich.

5:29 PM  
Blogger gatsby said...

i used to put my penus in that very same machine. everyone called it mcDrugabuse

7:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like to flatten my bread, then roll it into a ball and float it in milk. This is why I am posting anonymously. Gail

6:07 PM  

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